A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words. Or Just One.

Submitted by Alissa:

Three years ago, I joined an Internet dating site and was contacted by a dorky-looking guy who I frankly did not find physically attractive. But he seemed nice and intelligent.  We had a very nice phone conversation and he asked me out to dinner.

Now here's some background: at the time, I was 50, and this guy was 58. The photo that I ran in my personal ad was taken the night I went to a black tie affair three years earlier (and I looked the same), so I was decked out in an evening gown and had my hair done in an elegant up-do. Regardless, I looked fabulous the night of this date. (I happen to be an attractive, stylish woman, who is in very good shape, thanks to years of exercise and proper diet).

When I met the guy in person, his face dropped. It was obvious from his expression that he was disappointed, which was ironic, considering that he wasn't exactly Mr. America. In fact, he resembled a tall, dark-haired version of Woody Allen. As we were walking to the restaurant, he asked me why I didn't have my hair up and why I wasn't dressed like I was in my photo.

Despite this, I decided to make the most of the evening. We had a nice dinner and conversation... except for the part when he talked about his ex-girlfriend, and how amazing the sex was with her. But it was obvious that we weren't clicking. So at the end of the evening, I thanked him for dinner, we said our goodbyes, and we both went on our merry ways.

Or so I thought...

A couple of months later, I placed an ad on a different site, using the same photo I had placed on the site through which I met this guy.

Lo and behold, the guy had also joined the site and contacted me out of the blue, bombarding me with e-mails in which he acted as if he didn't know who I was. I responded and reminded him that we had, in fact, met, and we didn't click, but I wished him good luck with his search.

The guy then replied back, saying that he didn't recognize me from the picture, which didn't make sense, since this was the same picture I had posted on the site through which I had met him. He added that this was either a very old photo of me, or a photo of someone else because I looked nothing like that in person. He said that, in person, I was an "extremely unattractive old woman."

I was so appalled that I wrote him back and told him off, telling him that he was a complete asshole. He replied again, claiming that I was no lady for using that kind of language, and that he had just gotten laid! He also said that he was sorry that he spent so much money on the dinner we had because I wasn't worth it, and he had a good mind to demand that I pay him back because I had deceived him! I mean, this was out and out mental abuse of the worst order!

From the tone of his e-mails, I got the impression that:
A) He was drunk, and/or
B) His ego was bruised because he knew I wasn't attracted to him, and/or
C) He was just plain nuts, and/or
D) All of the above.

Regardless, I was so traumatized by this that I refrained from dating for quite some time.

There are a lot of wackos out there, but this one was the world champ!


  1. Why would she be blamed for her pic? Hers was a recent one of her in obvious black tie attire, so anyone with half a brain would know she was dressed up for an event and would not be in the exact same attire with the exact same hairdo on the date. Lying would be if she posted a pic of herself weighing 100 lbs more or a pic of someone else. Plus, if she is the hot, fit cougar I am picturing, I bet she can do a lot better than some guy who looks like Woody Allen! Gross!

  2. Seven-thirty6/07/2010 10:01 AM

    Interesting topic: Disappointment when meeting in the flesh.

    As guys get older they are certainly aware that they are less attractive. We become invisible to younger women and the definition of younger women creeps up. However, there is always an awareness that if you have enough money and social status, you can snag a younger one... well, her body anyway.

    There is a lot of talk about cougars, but most men aren't all that into them, unless they have some sort of interest in older women. (Only sons who are raised by single moms surely are at risk of being confused about whom they should have a relationship with.)

    But to be honest when women enter menopause and start looking less fertile then it is harder for men to get turned on, even if our dicks don't even get all that hard anymore. So the OP is right this is hypocrisy. Unfortunately it is biologically programmed into us.

    Of course that is not excuse for this particular guy's lack of tact. He was an asshole to say those things, but lets face it he is racing against time regardless of whether he is seeking sex or a relationship.

    I've never been able to understand the attraction of online dating sites. Anybody whose on FB can easily find friends of friends who have similar interests. You can connect much more naturally.

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  4. OP, ignore the first commenter. It was probably your psycho date! Sorry that some toolbag made you swear off dating for a while. Hopefully now you have a more casual picture of yourself up somewhere, and you're going out on lots of dates with silver foxes who are on your level, and not pathetic has-beens who consider their right hand "the perfect date."

  5. 10:01am, I agree 100% about online dating.
    As for the whole cougar thing, well I have actually been surprised by how many of my young guy friends (I'm a chick) have a cougar obsession. And none were raised by single moms.
    I am just glad that society has progressed to the point where women have their own money now and May-December relationships are acceptable regardless of the age of the older partner. In fact it now seems that society finds it more acceptable for an older woman to pursue a younger man (hot!) than an older man to pursue a younger woman (ewwwwww). They even have TV shows glorifying cougars now.
    As for the OP, she merely wants a decent man her own age. I hope she finds one!

  6. I agree 100% with 9:33. I hate it when people lie about their age. In essence, this is what you were doing. Rather than posting a recent picture of yourself (which I'm assuming you didn't do because gravity is working against you), you did a little bait-and-switch and fooled this guy into accepting a date with yourself, 3 years ago. Way to lie, bitch, way to lie.

  7. I think she was fooled into accepting a date with Woody Allen. Her date was just upset that she wasn't an underage Asian girl. As for the pic not being "recent"....three years is recent if you are an adult and your looks haven't changed. This isn't high school where you look completely different from year to year. Otherwise, you would need a new license photo every year. The horrors!

  8. Oh man, this guy was 58??? He sounds like he's 18. What a freakin loser- you sound hot and deserve way better! I really hope I don't have to date online in my 50s... it's hard enough doing it in my 30s, and I'm also cute, in shape and successfull. Dam it's tough out there.

  9. Seven-thirty6/07/2010 12:12 PM

    11:26, you don't know how much she aged in three years. Could have changed her a lot or a little. But even she selected a flattering picture, who wouldn't on a dating site.

    He forgot her picture because men mindlessly consume images of women on the Internet (porn addiction). So it's no surprize that her photo made an impression on him a second time.

    10:40, men want to get it on. If the cougar idea has gained public acceptance, then maybe that explains the increase. There is a lot of pressure in the media to shape ideas about what is normal and abnormal. How many partners, gender, surgery, steroids -- times have changed.

    The Swedish media today reported two stories with age angles. A 32-year-old man has been charged with "violent sex" after meeting a 16-year-old girl who engaged in consensual SM. They met online.

    The other story was a about a man in his 50s caught dating a ewe that he met in a field. He ran from the farmer zipping up his pants.

  10. That's what happens when you use dating web sites.

  11. This is also what happens when you use the internet in general. He was a troll.

    Seldom do you ever see this common species face to face. He slammed you later behind the safety of his computer screen so you wouldn't notice the flat surface that is the front of his pants.

  12. I like the way he tried to make you jealous or for you to see him as attractive by telling you that "he just god laid." Loser, consider yourself lucky.

  13. I'm with 11:52 - I can't remember ever running into someone who was 47 and then running into them at 50 and thinking "holy shit you sure look different". I don't see a problem with a 3 year old picture when you don't look significantly different. It was also completely retarded for the guy to think she'd be wearing formal wear to a date. I'd be interested to know if he turned up in a tux, considering his dress code.


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