Always on a Dare

Submitted by Stephen:

Helen and I met online.  I wrote to her first, and she wrote back IN ALL CAPS.  It's a minor thing as things go, but it bugged me a little from the beginning.  In my second message, I wrote to her that she didn't need to SHOUT.  I could "hear" her just fine.

Her response?

"LOL OK," followed by the rest of her message, again, in all caps.  Aside from that, she seemed normal.  We decided to meet.

We took a walk before dinner, and my god, she never shut up.  "When I was six, my cousin taught me how to play 52 pickup with a deck of playing cards.  That was when I realized that people everywhere would try to take advantage of me for everything.  When did you learn that?"

I must have said something like, "I haven't found all people to be that way.  It seems to me that–"

"That reminds me!  In seventh grade, I went to a friend's family's farm.  They were like, super-wealthy.  My friend rode her pony all over the place, and I begged her to let me ride it and she said that she wouldn't because I had never rode on a pony before so I just stood there in the middle of the corral and cried and then her father came along and asked why I was crying and I told him and he told his daughter to let me on the pony and then I climbed onto it, it took off, and I fell off of it.  That's when I learned to stay away from ponies."

The girl never asked me a single thing about myself, and although her stories were absolutely fascinating, I was tiring of them.

She went on until she said, "The craziest thing I've ever done?" (without having been asked), "I once took a dump in public."

I stopped walking and stared at her.  I asked if she was joking, and she assured me that she wasn't.  An ex-boyfriend had dared her to do something crazy "obviously hoping that I would flash him or jerk him off or something," she said, "But I showed him.  I crapped in my pants."

I didn't say anything.  She went on, "It was okay!  I was like, ten feet away from his car, and I had a spare pair of pants in there.  I had to go change right after, of course.  But he never asked me anything like that again."

That pretty much sealed the deal: I wouldn't be calling this one again, regardless of whether she was putting me on or not.  I don't even remember much about how the rest of the date went, or how it ended... just that it did.


  1. How old were you two when this date happened? Her behavior is normal for someone 20 or younger, but really craaaazy and rather creepy for anyone older. Some people go wild in HS and college and never grow out of that. Maybe she is one of those people? Regardless, you were wise to ditch her.

  2. I have a friend just like your date. I thought of her as soon as you mentioned that your date typed IN ALL CAPS!!!!!
    It gets really annoying after hearing her talk for 10 minutes or so. I've found it's best to ask them "Is there a point to this story?" after they've been rambling for a few minutes. It gets them to stop and be chill for a while. It's only a matter of time before they start with another "me-centric" story though.

  3. I had always wondered how Caps Lock writers are in real life.

  4. wow, crapping her pants on purpose and sharing that story on the first date. GOODBYE!

  5. Proper Response: "Me TOO!! In fact, I'm shitting my pants right now."

  6. So, she brings up this story unbidden, and she "just happened" to have a spare pair of pants at the time, eh?

    Methink you avoided a reprise of this event, OP. Girl is all about some public Hershey squirts.


  8. Seven-thirty6/07/2010 6:36 PM

    Small children in diapers who stand in front you with that sublime look of concentration on their faces as they extrude a load can be really cute. Maybe she went cross-eyed for 30 seconds?

  9. *busts out laughing* Oh man, the only way this could have been better/worse is if she crapped her pants in front of YOU, claiming, "WHAT?! LOL! U DON'T BELIEVE I'D DO IT?!"

  10. OP dodged a doodie.

  11. @nomatophobia and @Nikki: Superb. Your comments made this date worth reading.

  12. LOL this was one of the most special date moments I've ever read.

    ...It's perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me
    But we're going to need a cleanup on aisle 3
    And now I'm posed in an awkward stance
    Because I SHIT in my pants ...

  13. nomatophobia - I can't see through the tears right now. Holy crap that was funny.

  14. I think we have our first senior citizen bad date here folks! I mean who else besides 2 year olds can walk around and just shit their pants? Tell the truth OP, was this cougar so old that her "spare pants" was the box of Depends she keeps in her trunk?

    Seriously guys, great job on the comments for this date. I am rolling!

  15. OMG! What a loopy woman, lol. That is just too gross. So glad you got away from that, Hon. Ewwwww!!!

  16. I almost choked laughing at not only the story but at the comments. Spare Pants in the car, awesome.

  17. You know I could have forgiven her if she just popped and squatted in public.

    Dropping mud in your own pants out of weird gleeful spite is just too much!

    On another note, you could have dared who to do things to your own delight, but like djinn or some other mythical creature, who knows how it might have backfired.


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