The Not-So-Super Bowl

Submitted by John:

A friend of mine was on a dating profile site and he linked me to Betsy's profile. The first thing that struck me was how well-written her profile was: no stupid abbreviations, no glaring grammatical errors. That alone was enough to keep her interesting, but the clincher was when she mentioned that she was a fan of Korean horror films. I asked my friend why he hadn't messaged her, and he pointed out a part on her profile that said, "I'm just out of a long-term relationship."

This didn't bother me, but it bothered him. Whatever, I thought, his loss, my potential gain.

I messaged Betsy and we clicked immediately. After three days, of consistent messaging, she said that she felt like she had known me for a long time. I took those words with a grain of salt, but they sure felt good to read.

I asked Betsy if she wanted to hit up a bowling alley for our first date.  She said that it had been years since she had gone bowling, and that she liked the idea.  It had been a while for me, too.

We made it there, and I swear, she behaved as if she had never gone bowling before in her life.  "What are the rules?"  "How do you hold the ball?"  "Can we put the bumpers up?"

These were all okay, as she had said that it had been a while for her.  However, once she discovered that there was a fine layer of mineral oil over the lanes (which, I believe, is typical for most bowling alleys), she became determined to test out the lane for herself. 

After she threw a ball, she started walking down the lane.  People started yelling at her, and she hesitated, turned around, and fell.  She tried to stand again, but fell once more.  She scrambled to her knees and used a bumper to pull herself back to the head of the lane.

A girl who worked at the alley came over to yell at us, and after she had left, Betsy became really upset and bitter, and started mumbling things like, "Why mineral oil?  Are they going to cook the lanes?  Why does there have to be oil on them?" and so forth.

When it was her turn, she told me that I could take it.  Instead, I sat next to her and told her that we could leave.  She said that she wanted me to finish up the set, and she was in a pretty bad state, so I decided that doing what she wanted would be the best way to go.  I put the bumpers down and continued bowling for both of us.

We finally left and she asked if we could swing by a grocery store and a hardware store.  She said that she wanted to make her own bowling alley, since oil and wood was all you needed to do it.

At that point, I offered to drive her home, but she was insistent.  Well, we found a 24-hour grocery store and she bought vegetable oil, but there aren't any 24-hour hardware stores around the area that I know of, so she asked me if I could, "drive around to find some wood."

I asked her if I could drop her off after I did that, and she said that I could.  We drove around and around for a little less than an hour before we found some old crate by the side of the road.  She eagerly pried it apart, plopped a few planks into my back seat, and I drove her home, oil, wood, and all.

I never called her to find out if she had succeeded in making or cooking a bowling alley, but I hope that whoever she goes bowling with in the future will be able to handle it, either way.


  1. Methinks she was setting you up for a "I've got some wood for ya..." line.

  2. planks and oil? time for a little slip'n'slide OP

  3. ABCOTD Junkie6/29/2010 4:01 PM

    I waited all day for THIS to be posted?

  4. Was she Amish? How do you go into a bowling alley and completely have no idea how anything works? Maybe I'm just super blue collar, but I can't picture the type of person who knows NOTHING about bowling.

    Also, looking for locals: which is better, duckpin bowling or ten-pin bowling?

    1. I've bowled maybe 5 times in my life. It's just not that common where I come from.

  5. This is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.

  6. "I hate this form of recreation so much I am going to make my own version of it at home, so I can sulk easier." Fun!

    And duckpin, all the way.

  7. 4:01, I agree. The quality of the stories has gone down tremendously over the course of the past month or so. I'm glad that Jared's site is getting so much publicity, but I'm afraid the masses have ruined what used to be a good thing.

  8. ABCOTD Junkie6/30/2010 9:45 AM

    ^That's what happens when your best kept secrets go public. There have been a few gems lately, but mostly...crap.

  9. @Nikki: Both, plus candlepin. All three have their pros and cons, and they're all fun, so I am hesitant to say that one is "better" than the other two. Personal preference, I suppose.

    Where is local for you, anyway? I'm pretty sure duckpin is only found in southern New England, the DC area, and one random state in the midwest (Iowa or something).

  10. I'd suggest duckpin because everything is on a smaller scale, therefore you and your date will have to buy less oil and scavenge less wood to make your own alley.

  11. Good point, Loco Moco. Plus, when you play duckpin, you get to feel like a giant. :)

    JD: Duckpin has been hanging on here in MD with a VERY loyal following. My whole family has, at some point in their lives, been on a duckpin bowling league. Hell, my aunt and uncle met when their leagues played against one another. Sadly, I am the only person in my family who sucks at duckpin bowling. :(

  12. pics or it didn't happen


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