Dude, Where Are My Clothes?

Submitted by Kayla:

Six months back, I joined an online dating site out of frustration with the caliber of men I had been meeting in person. It was my first foray into the realm of Internet dating, so I was pretty nervous. The first night I joined, while I was toying around with my profile, I received an instant message from Kevin. Right off the bat he struck a nerve - it seemed like for everything I had to say, he had a sarcastic retort. I tried to ignore that, until he started pleading with me to eat dinner with him.

"I just met you, I think it's a bit soon." I told him.

"That's bullshit.  You're just trying to blow me off. Look, I have a girlfriend, I just don't want to eat dinner alone. I'll even pay."

I know what you're thinking.  It sounded sketchier than a 49-year-old man offering a small child candy to climb into his unmarked van... but I was broke, hungry, and figured it couldn't be that bad.

I met him at a little cafe near the mall where I worked (but not before leaving his full name, Facebook link, and phone number on a piece of paper for my roommate).  Everything was fine, at first. He was, as he promised when trying to entice me to go out with him, short and scrawny and I could have easily overpowered him.

Conversation wasn't completely awful, but half the time he would try to one-up me and his ego quickly became irritating.

After we finished eating, he suggested we go to the mall to do some Christmas shopping. He insisted we ride together to conserve gas, so, with visions of being stuck in a car trunk, I said I would drive.

I worked at the mall we went to, so I made sure to walk by and say hello to everyone I knew working that night (you know, just in case I ended up on the evening news as missing, it would be good to have witnesses). Kevin mentioned that he needed help picking out a present for his girlfriend so I offered to help out.

"Well," he began, "I really want to buy her new underwear. She really only has granny panties."

Okay... a little odd, but I can deal with that. I don't shame easily, so I brought him into Victoria's Secret. Within the first few minutes I was pretty sure he was going to drown in drool from looking at all the underwear and sexy posters on the wall. I was throwing out suggestions but throughout the whole ordeal he kept saying "Hmm, I'm not sure, I mean, would you wear these? What kind of panties do you wear?" I would try and just laugh it off and reassure him that they were cute and popular but the questions persisted so finally I came up with an excuse to leave, and he didn't buy anything.

When we got to my car I realized I had forgotten something at my job so I ran inside to get it and left him in my car to wait (minus the keys of course). At this point in time I had some dirty clothes in a bag in my back seat from having spent the night at a friend's house. I didn't think anything of it, though, and dropped him back at his car and bid him adieu.

A few days later, when I was cleaning out my car, I realized the underwear that I had in that bag were missing. I didn't want to mention it to him because I didn't want my fears confirmed. He was irritating enough for me not to want to hang out with him ever again.

A few nights ago, I ran into him at a bar. He drunkenly stumbled over to me and said he "wanted my mouth" and started swirling his tongue around in the air. Pretty sick. He then proceeded to ask if I could sell him weed and then asked, "Well then, can I buy your underwear?"

So, naturally I louded him out to his friends and hopefully embarrassed him to the point where he'll never steal anyone's undergarments again. Yikes!


  1. You both sound horrible.

  2. That'll teach ya to go on a date with Anthony Michael Hall. Geeky Sixteen Candles dude only gets laid if it's date rape.

  3. I agree with 7:11. You're both dipshits.

  4. Wow, OP. Next time try not being so desperate. I mean, if you were so afraid of being raped or worse, why did you go? Stick to meeting guys in person - you're too stupid for online dating.

  5. This reminds me of the time I went out with Helga, who had recently gotten out of prison. Even though she was there for killing 3 guys, she offered to pay for dinner. I was broke, hungry, and figured it couldn't be that bad.

    Well that night I was told that there was no such thing as a free ride, and so before I knew what was happening I was closing my eyes, gritting my teeth and giving it while trying not to cry.

    Meal was delicious though.

  6. Sounds grueling, Robert. Next time make sure 'Helga' is post-op. :P

  7. What did you eat Rob?

  8. ^ really, Anon? No comment on the STORY?

  9. ^ really, Anon? No comment on the STORY?
    ..that works both ways :)

  10. ""That's bullshit. You're just trying to blow me off. Look, I have a girlfriend, I just don't want to eat dinner alone. I'll even pay.""

    I really should stop reading here. I REALLY should. But I'm not going to. And I will probably spend the rest of my day regretting it.

  11. Nah Nikki, just thought it was amusing. The paranoia is overexaggerated for comical effect- I knew it was not the greatest idea to meet up with him but since I am a fat bitch, the free food was more tempting ;)

  12. The life of a gnome.
    Phase 1 Underpants
    Phase 2 ???
    Phase 3 Prophit

  13. I second dipshits. You two! Out of the gene pool!

  14. Sometimes I think Jared posts these just to mess with us.

  15. That girl who gave the BJ so her lousy date would drive back home is still worse than this.

  16. @nom

    Everything I post is to mess with you. Everything.

  17. OP, I guess he gave your underwear to his girlfriend. I wonder if he remembered to wash them first?

  18. @JMG Don't give me that ego boost, you'll never hear the end of it.

  19. @Coriolanus

    Agreed, but not my much.

  20. lol if i had to guess i'd say the underwear was actually for him. getting someone he didn't know to go girlie underwear shopping with him? stealing the OP's underwear? that reeks of transvestic fetishism

  21. Seven-thirty5/12/2010 4:21 AM

    Whenever I dog sit I find myself stopping constantly so that the pooch can sniff over all the spots where the doggies post their biochemical greeting cards.

    Inside of every person there is a frustrated nose just wanting to be entertained.

  22. Wait, it was an online dating service, but when the guy said he already had a girlfriend, you believed him, and agreed to a date?

  23. Fake! Fake! Fake! And not only is it a fake letter, it's poorly written. This site is becoming just plain silly.

  24. This is the OP- I assure you it isn't fake, I'm just dumb enough to meet these crazies :p

    And in his defense it was okcupid which is mostly for dating but I know people who look for friends on it. It was super sketch but at that point I had lost my second job and was more than willing (read: desperate) to hold conversation with someone for an hour for a decent meal. Because I am such a fat bitch.

  25. Gotta say, OP, I like how you're rolling with us commenters.

    And can we all agree on a moratorium on the "Fake!" business? Unless a date involves aliens, cryptozoology, Batman, Hoffa's body, or a clear violation of the known laws of physics, STFU. Really.

  26. @ Fizziks - Your ass encompasses all of those things except Batman....but then again, I'm sure he's hiding up in there somewhere :P

    Glad to see the OP participating in the comments and I agree that she is rolling well with the rest of us losers. Care to get an official loser....I mean user name?

  27. Architect, we don't call Fizziks's snatch "The Bat Cave" for no reason. :P

  28. I take offense, Architect. We all know the blind albino snaggle-toothed cunt weasel is a documented mammal and not part of cryptozoology. So there.

    And I always thought the 'Bat Cave' thing was about the wingspan of the excess flesh on my arms. And the car I have parked in there. :(

  29. Oh...shit...ah...vigilante heroes HATE it when you give away their secret hide-outs right?

    ...Then yes, we call it "The Batcave" because of the flab on your arms and the car thing. *cough*


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