You're Not on My Menu

Submitted by Spencer:

We met online.  Her name was Audrey.  She seemed really interesting, although she talked a lot about her ex-boyfriends.  Like, a few clicks south of obsessively much.  I thought that maybe she was just nervous or insecure, so I figured that a date wouldn't do anyone any harm.

Well, it did me some harm.  I picked her up at her place.  Twice on the way over, she pointed out places where she and her exes had "gotten it on."

"That alleyway," she pointed, and then, "Inside that store after closing."

Okay.  Thanks for the information.  At the restaurant, she started laughing and said, "I've been here before.  Mark took me here after a three-day fuckathon at my place.  Wow..."

Okay.  That's great.  Hungry.

I ordered a chicken sandwich.  She reminded me, "You know that I'm a vegetarian, right?"

I nodded.  She went on, "Because the last time I made out with a guy who had chicken before kissing me, I almost puked all over the place."

Okay.  I asked her, "What else do you like to do for fun?  Aside from messing around with guys?"

She laughed and said, "Messing around with guys isn't everything that I do.  It's actually been a while for me... I haven't messed around with anyone for almost a week."

"You sound very accomplished," I said.

She said, "I haven't had many long-term relationships, though.  I have trouble in them.  I cheat."

I mentally crossed her off of my short, short list.  "Oh."

She cut in, "But I'm trying to get better!  I made it last time almost three... almost three."

"Three years?"

She shook her head.

"Three months?"

I frowned.  "Three minutes?"

She laughed.  "Three days!  I'm not that bad!"

Certainly not.  I never minded a random hookup, but listening to this woman's exploits were seriously turning me off.

As if reading my mind, she said, "I don't think I'd make out with you, though.  No offense.  You remind me too much of my brother.  Shame for you..."

I didn't think so.  It was hard to even pretend to be interested in her for the rest of the date, as I had already written her off.  I dropped her back off at her place, we hugged goodnight, and that was the last time that I saw her.


  1. Jesus, if you talk like you write--in short, grumpy sentences--maybe she just made up the "I'm a huge slut routine" to get the date to end early. God knows I would.

  2. Maybe it's the optimist in me, the part of me that has hope for humanity, that thinks that she was probably trying to duck out early and was attempting to have a good laugh in the process.

    I hope so, at least.

  3. C'mon Lucy give the girl some credit. At least she won't do her own brother. Family is strictly handjobs only.

  4. It's true. Doin' dudes in dark alleys is okay, but a girl's gotta have standards, and those standards should ideally include not boning one's brother or dudes who closely resemble him.

    Boning your step-father is a-okay though.

  5. God, I'm actually a little ashamed I wrote that. XP

  6. I think the OP made the right call on this one. I mean cheating is really bad but if he had gotten with this girl he probably would have come home with something penicillin couldn't have gotten rid of.

    Come on Fizziks, family is ok but only if you can put a bag over their head and call them by a different name.

  7. ^I only use that technique on the family pets.

  8. Why do people always assume promiscuous people have STDs?

    OP sounds a little insecure, and the date sounds a little, well, insecure. Good thing you guys didn't date. It might have ended in one giant pool of codependency.

  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

  10. >Why do people always assume promiscuous people have STDs?

    Epidemiological studies show that the more sexual partners someone has, the higher the likelihood that they'll have an STD (actually the proper terms these days is STI - sexually transmitted infection). The more promiscuous someone is, the more likely that are to engage in bareback oral, vaginal and anal sex. They have higher rates of gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis and herpes, not to mention the dreaded HIV. This holds true for all sexual orientations and socio-economic classes. Also, those who meet up through online dating sites have higher STI rates than people who meet partners through more old-fashioned means.

    I'm not a prude, and am not being preachy. I like one night stands as much as anyone. I've gotten my share of quickies and bj's from drunk chicks I've met in a bar. I just do research on public health issues, and thought you'd all like a biostatistics lesson.

    If I was in the OP's shoes, I'd probably have tried a bit harder to get in her pants. Sounds like she'd be a real freak in bed.

    1. The promiscuous people I am friends with are pretty plugged into the ethical sex-positive culture, and are very careful to take appropriate precautions. I wouldn't worry especially about catching STIs from

      Someone who has sex while too drunk to think about precautions would be a different matter, of course.

  11. @12:56 PM Was that an honest question? I'm not going to get all text booky like weeder, but, really? It's eerily ignorant.
    I feel like getting a blood test just reading this post.

  12. Obviously *any* contact-spread disease like an STI is a numbers game, and everyone should deal with that. However, I think what 12:56 was *trying* to say is that we assume people that aren't promiscuous are totally clean. Many people that are promiscuous take responsibility for their choices and use protection while an abstinance-pledger may not since it's "just this once" or even out of total ignorance. Also, you can be as monogamous as you please but if your partner isn't then you can still get an STI. They aren't solely the provenance of the perpetually screwing class.

  13. 12:56 here again. Fizziks, yes, I was also implying that society tends to think non-promiscuous people are totally clean. People also tend to think that promiscuous people have STI's / STD's.

    Yes, I would agree that with transferable diseases, it is a numbers game. It is more likely that someone that has 1000 sexual partners will be at a higher risk of catching a STD/STI than someone that has 1 sexual partner. However, assuming someone that is promiscuous has a STD/STI is quite ignorant in itself. Having sex with a lot of people does not spread STD/STI's. Having unprotected sex with people that have STD/STI's is what spreads STD/STI's.

    Weeder, what is the source that says that promiscuous people are more likely to have bareback sex? This just sounds very opinionated.

    Compare this same train of thought to driving your car, and getting into an automobile accident. Of course, the person that drives to the market once a year is far less likely to get into an automobile accident than someone who drives to and from work every day of the year due to increased exposure to risk. Should we assume that anyone that drives to work is a reckless maniac that will smash into your car without the courtesy of a honk before-hand? And anyone that drives only once per year is immune to getting into an accident?

    Coming from someone who is rather promiscuous (and wouldn't ya know it? I've never had an STD/I!), it's a little offensive to hear someone accuse me of having things "penicillin won't get rid of."

  14. To be nit-picky, 12:56, no one was accusing YOU have having things "penicillin won't get rid of." Architect was speaking solely about the slutty date.

  15. Look, 12:56, if you are this upset I think you are guilty of the same offensive assuptions you are objecting to. *People* get STIs. Promiscuous people, monogamous people, people just born (thru uterine/birth canal exposure, rape victims, celibate handlers of bodily fluids (like nurses), blood recipients. We classify a disease as an STI regardless of how a person got it if that's the most common (or easily stigmitazable) method of contagion, but that needn't be the case - HPV is just warts and you can give it to yourself if you have a wart virus on your hands.

  16. Are there that many people that make up crazy story to get off of dates or why does the OP get accused of being the bad date on every third post??

    In other news: I'm promoting the date-talks-about-his/her-ex-to-much to an official red flag. Too many stories start off with "She was cool, except that he talked a lot about her ex. But I gave her the benifit of the doubt." ..

  17. ^ I think all but the first 2 commenters are in agreement that she was the bad date. There may be nothing wrong with being promiscuous, but that doesn't mean it's what the OP was looking for.

  18. @ Nikki - Thanks for helping 12:56 remember what I was talking about. Good looking out ;)

    @12:56 - Yes, the promiscuity was the initial impetus for the "penicillin" comment but I was also taking into account the date's admission of being a regular cheater and unable to stop herself. She obviously has very little self control and is probably very irresponsible. These details led me to the conclusion that she is probably covered from head to toe in herpagynosyphilaids.

    Or you could just read it as a fucking joke like it was meant to be.

  19. ^And you can get a name and stand behind what you say instead of cowardly sniping.

  20. ^^Your cute emoticons don't negate your bitterness at getting pwnd 2:18/12:56.

    For example, if I said, "Man, 2:18, I hope you die of AIDS so no one has to listen to your unnecessary hostility" but then put a ";-D" at the end of it, you'd still be offended, right?

  21. I'm impressed you all got through Weeder and 12:56's entire entries. My ADD read "
    Epidemiological studies show" and my eyeball started to twitch. BORING!

  22. Tree bark!!

  23. What does having a name (and a bad play-on-words avatar) have to do with being a coward, Fizzdicks? Ultimately, you are still anonymous? I can't read anything about your or see how ugly you are. Fawk.

  24. Forget the coke...who the hell gets in bed with a guy, gets naked and plans to "tell him to stop if I felt that it went too far, and that he would be understanding enough to respect what I wanted." What the fuck did she think they were going to do, discuss politics?

  25. Aw crap, I posted my comment to the wrong thread!

  26. Well, 5:39, you can distguish me from the chorus. You can hold me accountable to things I've said in other comment sections (as has been done). You can tell when it's me and not someone responding on my behalf. It's a low bar, to be sure. That's why not even reaching that miniscule bar of accountability is in fact cowardly - it's so little and you won't even do that.

  27. ..Well Fizziks...that's to assume you ALWAYS use your name ~ who is to say that you NEVER post an 'anonymous' comment? Hmmmm?
    Why does architect always defend you too? Sounds fishy to me...

  28. First - Nothing about what you said undermines the validity of my points even if your implications were true. My name still gives me *more* accountability, albiet slight, than staying totally anonymous. It's still easy to do and cowardly not to.

    Second - conspiracy theory much? Architect has stated he is my friend. He's stated we met thru a dating site. You have to add that we might be the same person to justify him defending me? I like masterbation even more than the average person, but c'mon.

    Third - in fact Jared could probably say whether I have or haven't.

  29. That would be so sad if Fizziks (or anyone) posted as anonymous as well. Although if she was telling herself how mean and lame she is, or even how funny and witty she is, that would be awesome. I think my ex-husband was having cybersex with himself.

  30. Oh, I have cybersex with myself too. I log into chat rooms under my own and Architect's name and talk about how we like to put on our cape and wizard's hats.

    By the way, have you seen my vagina? It's HUGE!!

  31. hahaha It's true. I rent it out as a duplex :P But no wizard hats - I prefer my Tron suit.

  32. She really does. I rent half of Fizziks' vagina. It's plenty spacious, has a great view... She even gives me a break when I'm late for rent as long as I have my friends "ring the doorbell" when they come to visit.

  33. Yeah, but the fishy smell from the ocean view is hell!

    J/K Chica, you know you are the best! December baby, TRON!

    @ Faux Fizziks - I love the Blood Ninja saga! That is some funny shit!

    Yeah, Fizziks is just one of the voices in my head. They all have blogs too. That shit is annoying to keep up with!

  34. I would have just left her there.


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