That's Not How You Use a Straw

Submitted by Kevin:

Patty showed up to our date a lot heavier than her online profile made her look... and about five years older.  I didn't want to be a jerk, so I went along with it, although these unexpected developments made my tolerance thin, early on.

She tried to be as friendly as possible, and I figured that it wouldn't necessarily be such a bad thing if I made a new friend out of the deal.  I could always tell her afterward that I didn't feel attraction in that way.  After all, she had "fudged" some of her vital stats, so this didn't seem like such a bad idea.

The prospect of following through with this plan was solidified when, in the middle of a conversation about grade schools, she grabbed a few straws, attached them to make a long straw, put one end into her water, lifted her shirt to bear her gut, and slid the other end between some fat folds to make it look like her stomach was drinking through a large mouth.  She made a slurping sound.

When she saw my expression, which was a mix of wonder, confusion, and nausea, she shrugged and said, "Take it or leave it.  I'm proud of who I am."

Not long after this statement, she pulled down a little too hard on the straw and her water cup toppled, sending it all over her lap.

It was really funny, and although I had no desire at all to date this girl or ever see that much of her skin ever, ever again, she seemed fun enough to keep around as a friend, which is what I did.  According to her, such antics have netted her guys in the past.  Whatever, though.  She's cool.

Do I have the guy for her.


  1. In fact, she's such a good friend that you...posted about her here. Hope she knows!

    Frenemies much?

  2. I wonder if the OP only saw one picture of her, or if all the pictures on this girl's profile were of her 5 years ago.

  3. Fizziks: nothing wrong with that, I'm pretty sure she knows that it was a bad date. It's not like he was dick about it.

  4. @10:22 - not til now, anyway :P

  5. Fizziks rarely has a positive thing to say about anything.

    Good on ya to not ditch the date right away and to give her a chance...clearly there was no physical attraction, but hey, that's cool you became friends!

  6. Yeah Fizziks, what the hell? Quit being so goddamn right all the time and start being nice. Srsly girlfriend, LOL!

    One of my best friends I met on a dating site. Although I have yet to post about her on ABCOTD.....yet. ;-)

  7. And? 12:40, such a wasted space. So brief, so dull.

    You could have gone agressive: She has a soul like her cunt, twisted and dry.

    Friendly: Perchance a specialty keyboard would help your posts, Fizziks. Reaching non-bitchy keys over those rolls must be tough.

    Descriptive: Sad, shriveled, senseless scrap. Try again, Fizziks.

    Curious: Have you ventured outside your mobile home enough to have friends of your own?

    Gracious: How tender a heart, to break upon the imagined suffering of the OP's date.

    Trucluent: The miserable mouthings of a bloated, genital-less, flakey bag of week-old wank.

    Considerate: Mind that mouth, Fizziks. You need room for that nineth Double-Down.

    Thoughtful: I've heard that the government will pay for your new scooter mobility. To see the sky! To smell the air again!

    Arcane: Would that Henry VII had a wench so engreased as ye, verily your hair which hangs like wool on a distaff wooudst be taken betwixt his thigh and thus spun off!

    Cavalier: Pray leave her to her snark, she has scant else.

    Dramatic: Her hide a fleshy white expanse as would make Ahab gasp.

    Admiring: To have had such appetites and appeased them all...

    Lyrical: The moon twinned at once/Solar flare parts shinning cleft/Heaven-made petard

    Naive: Is this walrus beached or sunning?

    Rustic: The kinda wimmin ya screw is stages; takes the whole harvest to reap.

    Military: An emergency aircraft carrier!

    Practical: With such girth, you have little to fear from invasions of your personal space.

    But no, 12:40, no. Your paltry wit is only left with "Fat bitch."

    BTW I am 5'4'', size 8, 36C and I bake the most delicious bread in the world. This clam rocks.

  8. Fizziks, please write a book of variously categorized insults like your last post. I would buy it. Seriously. I haven't giggled that much in a while.

  9. Wow... A "Roxanne" homage. nice

  10. I had no idea Fizziks was a clam.

  11. I kinda figured, since the only thing most clams love more than pie is pi.

  12. I'll see your Roxanne and raise you a Cyrano. Spoof from the originals or it's not homage, it's derivative.

  13. I always thought Steve Martin brought a nice flair to the insult speech.

    Regardless, I wanna see a duel happen or it ain't original.

  14. ^^And that, Fizziks, my darling, is why you can't try to use intelligence and wit on anonymous internet trolls. ;)

  15. Wine tour!


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