Never Ask a Woman About Her Shoes

Submitted by Erik:

Melissa surprised me as a very dynamic and interesting person on a dating site where most people's profiles read like they were written by 4-year-olds.  I asked her out to a coffee place.

She showed up looking great, but one thing I noticed was that her shoes were mismatched.  One was a black sandal, the other was a battered, white lace-up model.  I took it to be a quirk, smiled to myself about it, and left it at that.

We were having a fun, playful talk when I decided to bring it up.  All of a sudden, she got really quiet.  She told me that the white shoe belonged to her grandfather, who had recently died.  Then, she started crying.

I took her hand and asked her if I could get her anything.

She regained composure after a few minutes.  I apologized for bringing it up, and she snapped, "Well don't bring it up again!" a bit louder and more emphatically than I think she meant to.

The bubbling, happy person she had been, for the rest of the date, went quiet.  Not really quiet... more... muttery...

"Fucking mention my fucking grandfather you fucking piece of shit..."

I hoped to have misheard her.  "What?"

She said, "What gave you the right to bring up my grandfather?"

I said, "I didn't.  I brought up your shoes."

She wrung her hands.  "Stop talking about it!"

I said, "Fine!"

The rest of the date was extremely awkward, but thankfully its end wasn't very long in coming.


  1. Death in your family is no excuse for mismatched shoes. Cosmo would disapprove.

  2. she wears her grandfathers old shoe.... ew. shoulda called it off right there.

  3. This was funny and well-written.

    "Not really quiet... more... muttery..."

    Calling someone "muttery" is my new favorite thing.

  4. Grandad only have one foot or somethin'? I mean, she coulda worn both and been 'comforted' while going unnoticed. Guess the other shoe was up her pooper.

  5. i bet she had big ugly feet to be able to fit into her grandads shoe. dodged a bullet!

  6. Why DID you bring up her grandfather?! You knew it was off limits conversation...the nerve!

  7. Dude, I know everyone goes through the grieving process differently, but good gravy...there's no need to take it out on strangers who don't know the whole story! I'm with Josh--some epic bullet dodging on this one.

  8. I think this was the Matrix of bullet dodging Nikki ;)

    You know, if grandparents would just quit dying then we could avoid these awkward situations all together. Inconsiderate pricks.

  9. And with Obama's Death Panels starting up soon, the dating scene is going to get even MORE difficult to navigate! ;D

    PS to Architect: I'd really like to see Keanu Reeves dodge all the bullets that are spewed out of this website!

  10. Sounds like you really dodged the epic rape!

  11. Nobody who went on a date with her would NOT point out the fact that she is wearing two different shoes. Only if her date was blind. That ain't normal behaviour for anyone.

  12. Grammar Nazi4/19/2010 4:45 PM


    I'd remark that English must not be your first language, but since you spelled it "behaviour," I can only sadly assume that you do, in fact, speak the Queen's English...just with an American grammatical slant. :(

  13. Wow, Grammar Nazi, a grammar slam and an America slam all in one post? What a lucky day! *rolls eyes*


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