I'll Take a Doggie Bag. She'll Take Three.

Submitted by Roger:

Miranda had a great idea for our first date: an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.  She showed up about fifty pounds heavier than her online profile picture, and was sure to pile every kind of meat onto her plate to create a culinary facsimile of Mt. Everest.

Fork and knife?  Not for Miranda!  It was as if she had her hands tied behind her back and she dove into the pile like she was a-bobbin' for apples – meaty, greasy apples.  There was no one else in there yet, as it had just opened for dinner.

She must have caught my expression, because she thankfully explained herself moments later: "I'm totally fucking wasted right now.  I had the day off!"

She laughed, and chicken parts came out of her mouth.  Ah, Miranda.

After dinner, she was all over me.  I was ready to head on out, but she wasn't.  She sidled up to me and asked me if I wanted to have some fun with her in my/her car right there in the parking lot.

Seeing as how I'd have rather had sex with a cod, I informed her that I couldn't really take advantage of someone who was drunk.

She informed me that she wasn't drunk.  She was just, "Horny and confused and happy." It was adorable, but not altogether alluring.

In insisted on driving her home.  She had no business driving to the strip mall in the first place.  I put her to bed on her couch and though she tried to kiss me, I was faster than she was, which was easy, since she had ingested her body weight and then some of Chinese buffet foods.

Her car ended up getting towed from the parking lot, because she had forgotten where it was.  I heard about it through a friend, though.  I wasn't planning to see her again.


  1. This entire post can be summed up as "LOLZ SHE WAS TEH FATZ AND I'M TRYING TO BE WITTY"

    One star.

  2. do you have to be a dick about it?

  3. Great story - much better than the usual wimps. Anon 7:37 I am heavy and I didn't take it that way at all; why so many stories of people showing up/getting trashed? Is it really that different out there? (Married for 15 years)

  4. agreed with 7:37

  5. lmao "heavy"

  6. 9:35, I usually wait until the date has started before I start getting trashed. It's not polite to start without your date.

  7. agreed with 7:37 also.
    and 10:38

  8. Would you like anything else with your haterade? STFU. I hope you get fat one day.

  9. So many angry fatties in here. guys, if you're gonna be fat, at least be fat and happy, not raging arses. She had bad manners, arrived trashed, and was a bad date. Even had she been thin it would have been a bad date.

  10. Yeah, but if she had been thin and hot, I bet you he would have tolerated it much better and not written a bad date story about it.

    -Not a fatty, just sayin'

  11. ^ Agreed.

    (another non-fatty)

  12. Why is that every time someone is fat and lies about it, OP is immediately branded the asshole and the fatties come hoofing out of the woodwork to carry their hero, the lying cow, on their shoulders out the door?

    The 'fat and proud' movement is great and all - (I'm kidding, it's actually gross), even when you force it to apply to situations where the person is clearly not proud.

  13. It's not about that, the girl was a bitch. But this post really sounds like what Anon 7:37 said.

  14. Good story, OP acted chivalrous, well done.


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