Here, Have Some Kool-Aid

Submitted by Carl:

I met Angela at a blood drive, of all places. While waiting to donate we killed a good hour pleasantly conversing, during which time Angela came across as witty, intellectually sharp and funny. She noted how easy it was for her to talk to me, and how we should go on a date. I agreed, and a place and time were decided upon.

In the run up to our “date,” she sent a number of hopeful and flirty text messages: “Looking forward to being with you again,” “I think we have a connection,” and such.

Things at that point seemed pretty positive (of course it didn’t hurt that she was dead ringer for Fast Times at Ridgemont High-era Phoebe Cates): a smart, attractive woman was interested in me and we were going on a date. I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship. so the prospect of a dating was kind of exciting.

When I arrived for our date, she was standing outside the restaurant with a sizable briefcase in hand. She was also wearing a track suit, which seemed strange considering that she had dressed like a banker to donate blood a week earlier.

Before we set foot in the restaurant, she started in about how lucky she was to have met the people she knew. Void of any segue or conversational lead-in, she simply started talking in detail about the great friends she had, and how they took care of her “in every possible way,” like “husbands and wives” because they were all “married.”  Or something nutty like that.

“Uh, sure. You hungry?” I interjected, “I’ve read good things about this place…” I said as I attempted to steer the conversation towards not-crazy-ramblings-about-God-knows-what.
I should have just cut my losses and walked away.

“My friends already fed me.”

“Let me get this straight. You just ate before going on a dinner date that you set up?”

“Food isn’t important, caring for one another is…” she replied.
Long story short, she was some sort of cult member.

The briefcase? It contained informational pamphlets and brochures about how her and her “friends” made their living (suckering people into pyramid schemes) and how I could benefit from it. She kept saying that the “System” paid for all of her expenses, that she didn’t even work a “real job.”

I said, “But it’s a pyramid scheme. Those are illegal, not to mention unethical.”

“Oh no, no. It’s all legit. Our leader has never worked a real job, either…”

And with that, I promptly turned around and walked back to my car without so much as a proper goodbye.


  1. No job, making a living off of a support system made up of beautiful friends and pyramid schemes, with leaders in on it and able to protect you from paying penalties for it? Where can I sign up?

  2. ...think of the group sex you missed out on...sap

  3. They donate blood in an attempt to make us all part of The Family. Avoid getting blood or you'll end up a crazy cult member - just like my Jehovah's Witness grandparents said.

    Uh, wait.....

  4. I agree--everyone knows cult members have the best group sex. Look at the Manson Family. Drug-fueled orgies all the time, and all you had to do was kill some people who made Charlie mad. Pffft. You missed the boat on this one.

  5. Maybe she's the epic bullet-dodger full of win on this one?

  6. The Leader is good the Leader is great. We surrender our will as of this date.

    This is exactly why I don't give blood. Everyone knows only crazy people give away perfectly good blood.

  7. I once had someone try to get me into that avion crap too

  8. The last time I tried to give blood, the head nurse of that Red Cross group told me I'm not allowed to give anymore. Apparently, watching a young woman pass out (every single time I give blood) and have large hematomas spring up within seconds of putting in the needle makes other blood givers freak out. :/ Just thought I'd share.

  9. I can't give blood because I lived in the U.K. from the late 80's to early 90's. Apparently they don't want Mad Cow to infect America.

  10. I agree with the Architect. The Leader is good, the Leader is great. We surrender our will as of this date.

    Nanananananananananana Leader.

  11. I can't give blood because I keep cropping up these damned tattoos and piercings, and I'll probably end up giving someone hepatitis. Or AIDS.

  12. ^Probably AIDS, everyone knows tattoos and piercings cause AIDS.

    LOL @ nomatophobia - I thought about adding Nanananananananana Leader but worried no one would get it. Thanks for renewing my faith :)

  13. Last time I got a tattoo, I got AIDS.

    ... I got better...

  14. Last time I got AIDS i got a tattoo.

  15. Update: Angela was my waitress this weekend at a local Cracker Barrel. She pretended not to remember me, but the surprised look of panic in her face as she seated me at my table betrayed that.

  16. I had someone pull a similar stunt with me. Thought I was getting coffee to catch up with an old friend, turned out to be a pitch from a pillar.


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