Did You Try Eating Him?

Submitted by Molly:

On his online profile, Kyle looked like a pretty interesting guy. He was a little nerdy, which I was definitely into, tall, reasonably handsome, owned his own house and had a car. He even worked as a security officer at a nearby campus. I figured that was kind of hot, so I sent him a message and I was pretty happy to hear back from him a day or so later.
After a few weeks of calling, texting, and emailing, we decided we'd meet up for a first date at a local Chinese restaurant. Though conversation was certainly awkward at first, we seemed to get along reasonably well. He was dressed semi-nicely, wearing a button-down shirt and fairly nice jeans. When we sat down, I noticed that the shirt under his dress shirt had text on it, so I asked him what it said.
"Oh, you don't want to know," he said.
I ensured him that if I didn't want to know, I wouldn't have asked, and I again encouraged him to show me. He unbuttoned his shirt some this time, revealing the line: "Women are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken and rest are handicapped."
Wow, what a classy shirt to wear on a first date. But, whatever. I figured one stupid t-shirt wasn't enough to warrant abandoning the date.
After dinner, he suggested that we walk around the local mall and talk. As we were walking around, we passed a small store selling goldfish in obviously severely undersized containers. I went over to look at them, and commented on how I felt sorry for the fish. That seems harmless enough, right?
Wrong. Kyle looked at me and smirked. "That might be the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
"That's stupid. Who the fuck cares about a stupid goldfish?"
I told him I didn't appreciate his tone or his language, and that I happened to care about how animals were treated. He told me that animals were for eating, and that caring about them in any way was stupid.
I asked him how he felt about the fact that I have a dog, and that my dog wasn't for eating.
He shrugged. "I'd eat it. Meat is meat."
Though we hadn't been together for more than an hour and a half, I'd certainly had my fill. I thanked him for dinner and requested that he never contact me again.


  1. Go hug a tree.

  2. "Look at me, I'm gonna give the earth a handjob!"

    Your fault for pushing the question of what was on his shirt.
    Your fault for bringing up the "I have a dog!" thing after the guy JUST said "shut up bitch, it's just a fish." He was obviously joking about the dog. Though I bet it's a tasty dog...

  3. What he said about the fish and all was pretty weird, and your dog.

    But, you pressed the shirt thing. It was his undershirt, I wouldn't say he wore it specifically for your date.

    But yeah...that dog thing...I dunno. Weird.

  4. Oh my, my, my Molly,
    you surely lost out, by golly
    he said meat is meat
    and by that he would eat
    your snatch like a sweet juicy lolly

  5. "conversation was certainly awkward at first, we seemed to get along reasonably well. He was dressed semi-nicely, wearing a button-down shirt and fairly nice jeans"

    "reasonably", "semi-nicely", "fairly" - Christ Almighty, sounds to me like you weren't into the guy at all, and this wasn't really a bad date as much as it was a mismatch. He must have picked up on that, and it's a "fairly reasonable" that you two went your separate ways.

  6. Must agree Feainnewedd. It just seemed meh to me. And, frankly, while I think the I'm-cool-with-dogmeat is a dealbreaker, it's more consistent and logical than loving your dog and being concerned about goldfish and eating your General Tso's debeaked, calcium-deprived, caged 12 to a cubic decimeter, antibiotic-drenched chicken. Fer realz.

  7. I would probably try some dog if it was cooked nicely. Just because you dog lovers say dogs are pets doesn't make them uneatable for the rest of us.

  8. Also. . . Men are like toilets. They are either taken or full of crap. ;)

  9. I hate every commenter on this post. You're all so awful.

    Jared, just please disable comments on this blog. Seriously. The whole Web 2.0 thing where users can comment on EVERYTHING on the internet is passe, anyway.

  10. Uhhh, 11:51 you realize you have to *click* on the comments to even read them, yes? Don't walk into the strip club and complain that you see pudenda dumbass.

  11. I agree with 11:51, but only at 11:51 am on April 23rd.

    Lot of dog hatred going around on this site lately what with the dog eating and dog fucking. If I knew it was going to be that kind of party...

    I'm locking my dog inside tonight. Poor guy isn't safe anywhere with you savages running around.

  12. That's what happens when you date a hot security officer. Mmmm.

  13. You found it "kind of hot" that he worked as a security officer? Really?

    Well, maybe having to financially support someone who's job will more than likely never pay above $15 an hour is "kind of hot" I guess, after all you will be the one wearing the pants in the relationship. Hey, my cousin's a janitor making a tad more than minimum wage, he'd love to meet you!

  14. Uh, Fizziks... hate to break it to you but you don't necessarily have to "click" or go to another page to read the comments. Some of us use feed readers and the like.

    Still, your primary point is valid. If you scroll and read, be prepared to read everything from absolute nonsense to opposing viewpoints.

  15. Fair point 3:22 - I can be borderline Amish at times ;)

  16. Hey i'm Amish i take offense to your comment Fizziks lol j/k i'm not Amish

  17. i dont eat filthy animals. now a dog isn't necessarily filthy, but they certainty are dirty. also a dog has personality, and personality goes a long way.

    damn amish... they eat anything

  18. 3:22 - my feed reader doesn't send the comments along. I have to come to this page specifically to view comments. What feed do you get to your reader that sends the comments with it? It would certainly save me time from clicking to come to this specific page to read the comments if I could just get them in my reader.

  19. Dog. The other red meat.

  20. America is going through hard times. Our soldiers are dying in Iraq and Afghanistan; people without jobs are living in foreclosed homes. But still we as a nation are able to go dating. That shows that we have courage and resolve. The hateful comments about people like Molly weaken us.

  21. America is going through hard times. People are out of work and have lost their homes. Our soldiers are dying in Iraq and Afghanistan. Still in spite of all this we are still dating. Hateful comments towards people like Molly don't make things better.

  22. ^^You're a little late to the dance, twopeat. The comments on this blog have long proven that the terrorists have won.

  23. I don't buy this for a second. No one thinks that campus security is a hot career. NO ONE.

  24. He's right. Who the fuck cares about a goldfish. I mean seriously, the bowl was too small? The creature has a memory of 5 seconds, it's just happy to have water.

  25. guy must have been Korean.

  26. This comment thread is freaking awesome! Just sorry I didn't get in sooner to give kudos to my faves:

    Nikki = Awesome Terrorist
    Fizziks = Awesomest Dude With Tits ever
    Josh = Awesome Movie Quote

    Side note: I call shenanigans, everyone knows the Amish can't read.

  27. @ 8:41 who is obviously 8:45 and thought long and hard about this comment - You should have said "in spite of all this we are still mating."

    You pass on those tacky proud to be American chain emails too, don't you?

  28. @ 7:31 I don't have to click for comments and I just use the RSS. I still know the dangers of scrolling down though.

  29. After the first sentence, I was waiting for 8:41/8:45 to say "I'm Barack Obama. What we need in this country is change. Change and hope. Yes we can!"

  30. Obviously you were unmatched to each other, but really, the poor goldfish, what a wussy thing to say. I'd have made the same exact dog joke. Oh, and I'm a girl!


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