Chump (n): A Foolish Person

Submitted by Talia:

Back in college, I lived in a brand-new dorm that was about a mile and a half away from campus.  Not a bad walk, but in the winter, it might as well have been ten miles.  The school provided a shuttle bus to and from my dorm to the main campus.

I had woken up really late one morning and ran down to catch the bus.  I made it just as it was pulling away, and I caught the eye of a passenger, a guy seated by a window.  He pointed and smiled as the bus pulled away.  What an asshole!  He could've asked the driver to wait!  That made me a half-hour late to class!

At lunch, a day or two later, I was talking to Sasha, a friend of mine, about the guys at our college, and she mentioned one boy in particular, Kevin.  He was in her composition class.  The more she described him, the more I was interested.  I asked her if she'd be comfortable setting us up, and she said that even though she didn't speak with him that much, she would do it for me.  Why not?  I liked taking the initiative every now and again.

A couple of days later, she told me that she had spoken to him and that he was interested.  Turns out he lived in my dorm!  Those nervous butterflies hit, but I kept my cool.  Sasha arranged the blind date, and it was all set up for that Friday.

Friday rolled around.  Kevin had told Sasha that he would meet me in front of my dorm.  When I showed up and he introduced himself, I realized that he was very much that same asshole who pointed and laughed as the bus pulled away.

"I know you," I said to him, "You laughed at me from the bus last week."

"What?  I don't remember that."

"I do.  7:30 bus.  You pointed and laughed as the bus pulled away and I was trying to catch it."

He looked at me and said, "Shit."  When I didn't reply, he went on, "You've got to admit, it was pretty funny!"

I said, "I don't think so," and went back inside the dorm.

There are some buses that are better to miss.


  1. A) Having a friend talk to a guy for you and set everything up is not really taking the initiative.

    B)This is the very first time you actually meet this guy, and your friend likes him so if she's any judge of character he's actually decent. You, however decide to start off being petty and nasty. It wasn't his job to make the whole bus late because you overslept. You woke up really late but were only 30 min late to class. You don't mention a test, so seriously what was the big deal?

  2. Bleh. I hate missing the shuttle to work too.person. Cold, crappy weather or not.

  3. I don't know how to feel about this one. "Meh" was the best I could muster. They both sound kind of dumb.

  4. There is a redeeming side to this - it's the bad date that didn't happen.

  5. Sorry OP but your post makes you come across as immature, touchy and overly sensitive. Your loss.

  6. Talia muttered some nonsense and began heading back inside, her track pants making a distinctive swish-swish sound as she walked.

    Heading straight for the basement, she wanted nothing more than to hide in her Nickelback hoodie and forget about how she had ruined yet another potential date within the first ten seconds.

    She thought about Dan last September. She had been so nervous for that date, too. So nervous, in fact, that when he went in for a hug upon meeting her, she farted right in her shorts that said "PRINCESS" on the butt.

    She thought about Michael in January. He had asked her how she was as soon as they met, and she said "I'd be fine if it wasn't for this huge period I'm having. I mean, come on, it's been going on for two weeks straight!"

    She thought about Tim two weeks ago. He had inquired about her being a dancer in middle school, and she tried to demonstrate an old routine which ended with her kneeing him in the balls.

    She thought about all these things as she made a beeline for the vending machines in the basement. These were the only ones in the dorm that had those chocolate fudge Pop-Tarts that Talia liked to eat when she was had ruined something, which was often.

    That night, while watching Tyra Banks reruns and filling her room with Chef Boyardee farts, Talia's roommate returned from her night out.

    "Hey, girl," her roommate said, the tiniest bit of pity in her voice. Her perfect shoulders were exposed and glistening with sweat, and her tiny frame was draped with a loose-fitting blouse which couldn't hide her curves.

    "Oh, what's up," Talia replied. "How was your night?"

    "It was fine, nothing special. Me and the girls went to Foundry and danced a little."

    "Cool, cool," Talia said, standing up.

    The roommate was taking various pins from her hair which had been elegantly put up and smelled of Chanel. Talia appeared in the mirror behind her. The roommate's shoulders dropped.

    "Please, Talia, no. Seriously. No."

    It was no use. Talia put her hands on her roommate's hips and began awkwardly kissing her shoulders. The roommate could feel Talia's squishy, protruding belly on her lower back. She pushed Talia away with complete disinterest.

    "You're fucking disgusting. I told you, I'm not into you like that."

    Talia made a sad face and farted in disappointment. She clambered up onto her loft bed and halfheartedly masturbated with her chubby, ineffective fingers for thirty minutes. She hadn't been able to achieve an orgasm for three months now, and tonight was no different. That night she dreamt of Rob Thomas.

  7. 12:33 likes girls that never fart. They inflate like balloons; he ties strings to them. One day he'll hold several dozen in each hand and his troll ass will float away to another part of the universe. Good riddance.

  8. 12:33, I'm in love with you. I'm sure it'll pass, but at least I can look back at your story, and relish in my memories.

  9. Eh. I wasn't that impressed with 12:33. I enjoyed the writing style, but this particular story just seemed...I don't know...trite. Whoever you are, 12:33, I'd like to read a fake date you wrote on the site though. Maybe use 2% fewer farts though.

  10. 12:33 PM : *clap*...........*clap*.....*clap*...*clap*

    Bra-vo. I remember when I had a job I didn't give a shit about that afforded me time for stuff like that. Nice work.

  11. @Gulliver: Much, MUCH better. That little twist was not unappreciated.

    @12:33: Hilarious. The whole writeup is obviously contrived, but the only part that seemed forced was "farted in disappointment." It just doesn't flow. Although, farting does usually make you feel better, so I can see why Talia would try that approach. Kudos.

  12. those people wouldn't have been late for work for the bus stopping for FIVE SECONDS to let them on. The reason she was late for work was because she missed the bus. Maybe he thought it was funny but the people being pointed to and laughed at did not. He may have been an otherwise nice guy, but I wouldn't have wanted to go out on a date with someone who had given me that kind of first impression either. Though maybe I MIGHT have given him a chance if he'd offered an appology

  13. I always feel hypocritical about the shuttle to work. When I'm sitting in the shuttle, having gotten there on time or early, and we have to do a second loop around the parking lot so the driver can pick up someone who just appeared--even though another shuttle is always on the way--I get grumpy.

    When I'm the person who just screeched into the parking lot and is leaping out of my car in the hopes that the shuttle will stop, but it doesn't...I get grumpy.

    Commuting with public transportation is a no-win situation. Except for the environment, because you're carpooling. :)

  14. I get that, I really do, but this was a college class, not a job. A college class and no mention of paper nor project due, nor quiz, nor test nor exam. The sort of thing that can be blown off entirely, much less merely late for. Not the sort of thing you chew a stranger out a week later for first chance you get. Doing that seems incredibly petty and vindictive.

  15. ^ By the fact she was pissed off for missing the shuttle, upset about being late for class, and held a grudge for the next time she saw the person, I can only assume she was a freshman. That'd put her at about age 18 or so if she's a traditional student. I'd say that I would expect this type of behavior from her.

  16. Sprankton (n): A disease you get from chewing too much.

  17. 12.33 legend!


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