Some Secrets Are Better Left That Way

Submitted by Vanessa:

Jeff's dating profile painted him as a nice, normal guy.  Just like all dating profiles do, I guess.  What drew my attention was that he liked hiking, basketball (I'm a tall girl and was always on the team), and Patricia Cornwell books.

He also had, in his profile, the phrase, "I also have a really BIG SECRET ;) that I'll share with you if we go out.  Nothing bad."

This wasn't what made me message him, but it made him sound playful (although I had a fair idea that his "secret" was something sex-related).  We talked online, I didn't mention his "secret" and neither did he, and we decided to meet up.

When we met up, he was bursting to tell me.  "Remember online when I wrote that I had a secret?  Remember that part of my profile?"

I said that I did.  He grinned and said, "I have three testicles!"

I stared at him for several moments, then said, "So, you like basketball?"

His every response to just about EVERYTHING was somehow drawn back to his "secret."

"People wonder what it's like to have three testicles–"

"They do?" I asked.

He replied, "And I tell them that it's like having two, but it totally feels better to a girl, so I've been told."

No matter what I did or said, he'd bring it back to the testicle bit.  It became pretty hysterical, and I felt comfortable enough to tell him that I didn't think that I could see myself with a tri-testicle man, but that I'd be glad to stay friends.  He was cool with that, and it's funny that after I said that to him, he stopped talking about his... business as much as before.

We've been out of touch for a bit, and I don't really envy whoever he ends up with, but man, was he ever proud of his junk.


  1. Yeah...he might want to get that checked....I went to school with a guy like this (same guy?) who bragged about having three balls. That is until he got a checkup and found out that one of those balls was actually a tumor!

  2. That is gross. That guy has NO game. Sounds like you handled it very well!

  3. Four piece set?

    Weird man!

  4. hey dont judge him too much. it had obviously been a problem for him and telling you like that must have taken some real balls.

  5. It's beyond obvious that this is just a blatant attempt to get a girl to check out his package, akin to "I'm pregnant with a baby elephant, want to see his trunk?"

    And the whole, "but it totally feels better to a girl" bit??? Feels better *how*? That's just less room for my tongue to maneuver if we're teabaggin', and unless your dick is so absurdly small that the primary sensation is your balls on my taint, testes produce more flapping noises than feel-good friction. Has this dude even been laid before?

    I wonder if he even would know how to handle being "exposed" as a fraud if a girl took him up on it?

  6. Oh, Fizziks, your cynicism is amusing. ;)

    Seriously though, OP, I think you should have tapped that, just so you could have added to this story what it was like to bang a dude with three testicles (or two testicles and a tumor).

  7. Once there was a fellow in college who called himself "Quad" because he said he had four balls.

  8. If I seem cynical it's because facts can do that to ya.

    Congenital eproductive system disorders are some of the most rare, and are overwhelmingly disorders of absence or malformation. Even partially formed "extras" are vanishingly rare.

    At best this guy has a prostatic utricle cyst.


  9. A pic would be epic.

  10. Really? I'm more patronizing and smug than the retards on 4chan? Huh. Do I get a prize for that?

  11. This guy had 3 balls?
    It's obvious she should have walked him and pitched to the next batter. Sheesh.

  12. @8:48 - Oh, come now. The only thing potentially smug was Nikki's first line, and that's pretty mild. I realize you must be a fearless explorer of all the 'net comprises, especially since "[u]v been on 4chan" but doubtless you've encountered actual rudeness in your journeys. You needn't invent it where it barely exists.

  13. Thanks, Fizziks. I was going to point out to 8:48 that I've been waaaaay more patronizing in the past, and what I said to you was relatively mild, but I was *oh so worried* that the troll would think I was being smug and patronizing again, so I decided against it. ;)

  14. hahahahahaha @10:28 , excellent comment

  15. I wonder if he stretches his ball out mace-like then tucks it into his urethra, thereby creating a handle on top to grip and throw his full libido into her like an angry luggage handler.

    I like run on sentences.


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