Party Like It's 2014

Submitted by Mark:

Betsy messaged me on the Internet.  Her profile made her sound like an off-the-wall party girl, and I had mostly outgrown that phase, but she was persistent, which was rare, and she seemed interested in me, which was also rare on any dating site.  My logic was that if she saw enough in me to find common ground, then perhaps I was being too hasty by dismissing her.  Why not, I figured, so we set something up.

We talked about the standard stuff: work, family hobbies, killer asteroids... wait, come again?

"It's true," she said, "A killer asteroid is going to hit us in 2014.  I read all about it."

This was strange indeed.  You'd have thought that we'd have heard about it by now.

She said, "No, no.  The government can't let word about it get out, so they silence any astronomer who discovers it.  It would create mass panic!"

I asked, "So how do you know about it?"

"I was told.  It's going to smash into the ocean or Canada."

I grinned.  "So nowhere important, then."

She said, "Make fun of me if you want to, but let's see you laugh when your hair's on fire."

This posed an interesting dilemma, and I posed it to her: "If the government silences everyone who knows about it, then how come you haven't been silenced?  Or how come the person who told you about it hasn't been?"

She rolled her eyes.  "Are you fucking retarded?" she asked, "They have to let some misinformation come out, otherwise everyone would know about it!"

"But how do you know that the 2014 thing isn't misinformation itself?"

She sighed.  Sorry!  You mention something crazy, you should EXPECT TO BE QUESTIONED ABOUT IT!

She said, "I have connections in the government, but that's all I can say."

"Is this information on the Internet?"

"Probably not.  I don't know.  I've said too much."

Well, what do you say to that?  She seemed depressed and despondent for the rest of the date, really a big change from how she had acted before.  When I asked her if everything was okay, she replied that it upset her how people "just didn't know about the asteroid threat," and that it was a heavy burden to bear.

A little too much of the crazies for me.

Top secret government links.  Read at your own risk:


  1. Thanks for the follow-up, Jared!

    Poor girl, not having all her facts straight. :(

  2. So she had enough info to tell you about the threat, and knew the year. You didn't know about it, so you called her crazy. Sounds like you may have missed out here, Mark.

  3. Yay, a physics date!! Nah, she's *still* crazy, 1:30. Because crazy isn't what you believe; crazy is having bizarre notions of how other people will react to you. If you believe crystals have healing powers and can grow like living entities but you refrain from bringing this up encounters outside of a New Age bookstore, then you are sane. All of us have something crazy we belive, we just don't expect others to instantly 'get it' or not question us.

    In case anyone is not terrified because of Jared's links and thinks this now counts as the disinformation campaign, there's an easy check. Visit a university with a large astronomy program and see if the students are partyin' like they're on the Titanic. If so...well, shit, who cares? What are you going to do, escape the planet? :P

  4. @ Fizziks:

    I'm going to the moon!

  5. Have fun raking in the biggest Zen garden ever, Jonathan! Sadly, there is a dearth of porn there, so I think I'll stay on Tera. Plus the other space peeps get annoyed that the cloud of cannabis I live in clogs the oxygen recycling unit. Have a drink of your own filtered urine in rememberance of me?

  6. I always sure to reveal at least 1 classified government secret on every first date I go on.

  7. As a bald Canadian, I am both offended and afraid!

  8. That's the plot of Deep Impact, by the way. Even down to the locations of the potential asteroid impacts.

  9. Still, there's something endearing about someone who says, "let's see you laugh when your hair is on fire."

  10. that is like worrying that the sun is going to come up. the most accurate forecast I have ever heard " it was dark last night, and tonight will be the same"

  11. ^LOL, that joke gets me every time!


    1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are.
    2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a LOSER.
    3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
    4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
    5. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
    6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.
    7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
    8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.
    9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
    10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.
    11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong............
    12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.
    13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
    14. We absolutely do not care about the Day 26, Neyo, T.I, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
    15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.
    16. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
    17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
    18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
    19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.
    20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just mean.
    21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
    22. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.
    23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship.
    24. PMS is not an excuse.
    25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.
    26............ Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
    27. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach..... and maybe....oh nevermind.
    28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be that comfy with your friends, but to us it's just wrong.
    29. We always notice how funny it is after your rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.
    30. And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.

    Capiche!!!! lol

  13. dude, she picked you to have end of the world sex and you missed out.

  14. ^1:21, exactly right. You could have convinced her that the misinformation was the date: 2014, that it was actually much much sooner. You also had secret knowledge. So much fun to be had.

  15. greensnake: WTF does all that have to do with this date? And where did you get that? The special "Advice from Guys" section in a Seventeen magazine?

  16. Usually challenging someone beliefs is not a good idea on the first date, no matter how wierd you think it is. Although the whole government connection statement thing is a little bit of a red flag.

  17. HAHA pretty funny date, I wouldn't have been able to keep a straight face

  18. she was probably having fun and was disappointed that you're too slow to catch on.

  19. Sounds like a tweaker to me!


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