Next Time, Audit the Love Professor's Class

Submitted by Guido:

I met Gwen through a famous dating website. We seemed to have a lot in common: we were both well educated - she was a college professor and I was a graduate engineer. She sounded intelligent but reserved on the phone, and intelligence is always a turn-on for me. I should have known when she said, "I'm not your average college professor," that something was amiss.

We met at a Mexican restaurant that she said that she had wanted to try; I'd been there before and the food was outstanding.

I was waiting at the table when a very scrawny but heavily tattooed woman walked in the door. I remembered Gwen's picture from the dating site, and realized that this circus-freak of a tattoo canvas was Gwen!

As she approached the table, I could see that she had more piercings than a well-used voodoo doll, and that her hair was in dreadlocks. Worse yet, her B.O. was beyond belief. Unfortunately, I have a very sensitive sense of smell and the B.O. was enough to make me think of nothing else.

So clearly turned off by the sight and smell before me, I was hardly able to eat. Gwen told me all about herself, the classes she taught, her studies, her tattoos, and even the parts of her body that don't get much sunshine and the number and types of piercings on them as well.

Mercifully, the date wound up, and I thought that I was going to be free and clear.  Suddenly she grabbed me and planted a HUGE French kiss on me. I pulled away.

She looked up at me and said, "Well, I like you. My place is just around the corner. Let's head over there and you can tell me what you want for breakfast in the morning. I want boner for a midnight snack." Wow. Class all the way.

As politely as possible, I explained to her that I was "old fashioned" (true) and didn't sleep with someone on a first date. Gwen jumped in with "Well, no matter. I didn't like you anyway - I just needed to get laid. You're cute but you're a pussy. I don't date men who are pussies."

I then extended my hand to say goodnight, and she spit on it.

I never heard from her again, thank goodness.


  1. 1. There's no way she spit on your hand. You're a liar.
    2. She sounds awesome. Even if she did spit on your hand.

  2. All of these stories are too heavily edited to the point where they sound all too similar. I should know, as I've submitted one and got it hacked apart to it's present generic flavor. Of course they have to be edited, but try to leave in a little of the original style, editors!

  3. Anon @ 11:37--Agreed. I submitted one that made me seem like I was on the verge of being raped and I was meerly a helpless woman. I was nowhere near either.

  4. The only edits to this story was its breaking up into paragraphs.

    Many stories require only stylistic edits, although plenty require spelling, grammatical, and content edits so that they make a bit more sense. It's my goal to leave in as much of the original writing style as possible, although your comments are noted, and thank you for them.

  5. mmmm.... boner

  6. she sounds like a man, your story makes it seem you narrowly missed being raped, but actually you were just a helpless woman. u pussy.

  7. hahahaha the OP is anon 1:19 LOL

  8. "Suddenly she grabbed me and planted a HUGE French kiss on me. I pulled away."

    ummmmm dude, it takes 2 to french kiss. you could have kept your mouth closed. that would have sent a big message to her and you wouldnt have had to wipe that spit off your hand, just from your face.

    oh, and i call bs too.

  9. Elizabeth R.1/03/2010 10:13 PM

    She SPIT ON YOUR HAND? I actually believe this, though it is so horrible, I hope it's not true.

  10. I have to say, I know women like the one in this story, and she seems like the type to spit on someone's hand and call him a pussy after a sexual rejection.

    What I don't get is why you were so shocked by her appearance in real life, yet you said that you "remembered her picture from the dating site." Did she not have dreads and facial piercings in the photo? If so, would it really be that easy to recognize her?

    I've submitted a story before, and with the exception of a couple of lines taken out (that didn't really affect the story too much), it wasn't over-edited. Maybe some submissions are just written too poorly for posting without some intervention?

  11. Damn...whats this ladies #? she sounds awesome.

  12. Did she teach/go to the University of Colorado? Hippie trash...


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