10/27/2009

The Ultimate Mood-Killer

Submitted by Ethan:

Where to begin with Cynthia...

We met on the Internet and seemed to have enough in common to warrant an offline meeting.  I took her out to dinner, and, to say that I learned every detail about her past relationships would be an understatement.  Here are some actual gems from that conversation:

"A week after Tim and I broke up, I was over at my friend Jack's house.  We were watching a movie on his couch, and the next thing I knew, we were making out six ways to Sunday."

"I hooked up with some random guy at my aunt's second wedding, only to find out that he was my cousin, but I swear he was only related through marriage..."

"Have you ever fooled around on a waterbed?  My ex, Larry, had one."

I know enough about stories such as these to know that this was likely her way of screaming, "Guys find me attractive!"  Despite my growing discomfort, I kept this in mind.

That was, until:

"Can I pee on you?"

I hesitated, then joked, "Right now?"

"Seriously?  That would be so hot."  She was very obviously not joking.

Again, I tried for some nervous levity.  "But we haven't had dessert yet."

"Once we're done.  In the bathroom."  She smiled at me, likely already imagining her vaginal warmth running down my leg.

I don't have a problem with how people get their freak on, but there are certain things that don't do it for me.  Men, gerbils up asses, peeing, take your pick.

I said that I wasn't too comfortable with the idea, although I was flattered that she wanted to turn me into her own personal hydrant.  She seemed disappointed, but I figured that I could thenceforth brag to my buddies that I went out with a girl and was not peed on once.

We went to a bar after dinner, and then ended up back at my place, where I, like apparently hundreds of guys before me, made out with her.

She slid on top of me and ground against my leg.  Her hands curled around my shoulders and her kisses were intensely deep and passionate.  Wow.  This was really terrific.

Holy God.  What's that sudden warm, wet, urine-like sensation on my right leg?

MOTHERFUCKER!

I sat up in an instant.  My pants leg was stained and soaked by the gallon, her black pants were pulled down, and her crotch glistened with wetness (not the good kind).

I stood up and yanked my pants off.  I yelled, "I did NOT want to be peed on!  This is fucking gross!"

She gave me a look and said, "What's the big deal?"

"I DON'T FREAKING LIKE BEING PEED ON!"

That was a mood-killer.  And a date-killer.

18 comments:

  1. Yet another "I got 101 red flags from this person but ignored every one until it bit me in the butt" story.

    "Vaginal warmth??"

    Yechh.

    You're not a very smart person. You earned every drop.

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  2. I gotta go with my boy/girl Anonymous here and ask why you would make out with a girl who obviously has a few bulbs loose in the old lamp and expressed to you in graphic detail that she wanted to pull an R. Kelly with your leg?

    Girl: "Hi, I like to make out with/have sex with lots of random guys, some of whom are related to me. I like to pee on people."

    Boy: "I'm not down with peeing. Let's make out anyway."

    Girl: "He wants to make out with me. He probably won't mind the peeing."

    Come on, dude. Get a clue.

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  3. You sure this wasn't R. Kelly in drag?

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  4. I hate to kick a dead horse, but what the hell were you thinking? You should be happy that a gallon of piss is all you ended up with after messing with the town whore over there. Think about it, the kind of guys who probably would sleep with a girl that pees on them are clearly into some dirty shit. If she wouldn't have ended the night by wetting you, she probably would have left you with an std.

    Oh, and when a girl admits to being with a lot of guys she is not just trying to tell you she's usually found attractive, she's trying to tell you "I'm a dirty slut bag, still interested?"

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  5. She's not a slut...more like a penis enthusiast.

    After the piss,did she wipe her crack with your sheets! Mwahahahah.

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  6. Hey idiot, pee doesn't come out of womens' vaginas.

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  7. She sounds awesome. You sound like a homo.

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  8. Yep, a real frat boy homo.

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  9. Calm down all you nutty dating elitists. I don't think homeboy here is the only one who has ever known the date was a wash, but figured as long as you're there, you may as well get something out of it.

    But yeah - do you really still think pee comes out of the vagina? What are you? 5?

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  10. Great story! That sounds awful.

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  11. youre such a prude. its just a little urine!

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  12. Urine is clean and sterile. Good stuff in that way. But still, she shouldn't have released on you when you had said you weren't into it.

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  13. Urine is indeed sterile. You can drink it!

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  14. Just goes to show, guys will put up with anything if they think they can stick their dick in it.

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  15. @Anonymous 11:35
    Amazingly enough, some of us enjoy being pissed on and don't have any STDs!

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  16. Urine is only sterile until it leaves the body. :/

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  17. You Fool!!

    She is Definately A Butt Pirate and Then Some . . .

    Mmmmmm Mmmmmmm Mmmmmmmm

    ReplyDelete

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