Crying an Ocean for Dolphins

In 2005, I wrote a farcical article for a magazine about videotaping a wedding at a country club in which the bride was so obsessed with dolphins that she insisted that the cake be dolphin-shaped, the priest show up dressed like a dolphin, and that two actual dolphins be shipped in to swim around in the club's pool.  The pool water was, unfortunately, still chlorinated, and the dolphins died during the wedding.

This dolphin story was 100% fictional.  Now we're on the same page.

I met Jennifer online and took her out to a local amusement park.  We walked by a temporary tattoo booth (one that had the semi-permanent tattoos that wouldn't come off for two weeks) and she had the idea to trade tattoos, as in, I'd pick one out for her, and she'd pick one out for me.  She added the caveat that we should each pick WHERE on the other's body the tattoo should be placed.

I picked out a small Chinese character (I forgot which... one that meant "luck" or "fortune" or "dim") and picked out her ankle as the point of application.  She then picked one out for me (one that meant "suave" or "sexy" or "dork") and she then told the guy to apply it to the back of my neck.

"No way," I said, "Veto."

She whined, "Awww, why not?"

I explained that I would have to go into work, interact with friends and family members, and that I didn't much feel like having to explain the strange new symbol on the back of my neck to everyone who would be seeing it, which would include everyone.  It's not like I could just wear a sock to cover it up.  I'm just not a tattoo kind of guy.  If you are, more power to you.

She kept protesting until I said to the guy, "Just put it on my wrist."  I figured that it would be an easy place to scrub it away as soon as the date was over.

I wasn't really feeling it with Jennifer, although I remained conversational and polite throughout the course of our time together.  We made it onto the subject of my video work.  She asked me if I had any good stories.

Thinking to joke around, I said, "Well, there was this one time in which I was at a wedding with a bride who was obsessed with dolphins..." and I told her all of the details of the fictional dolphin story, leaving out the part that it was fictional.

When I told her that the dolphins died in the chlorinated pool, she stopped walking and stared at me.

"The dolphins died?"

"It's a shame, really."

"Two real dolphins?  And they died?  Is that the truth?"

Decision time: I could have come clean and brushed the whole thing away... but her shock... her focus... her... obsession... it was too good to pass up.

I'm sorry.  I had to.

"Yes.  The story is 100% true."

"Oh my God!" her face looked like she had just been given the news of her entire family's massacre at the hands of adorable sadist mice. "They murdered those dolphins!"


"What did you do?  You called the police, right?"

"Well, I was there to video the wedding–"

"You did nothing?  Dolphins were dead!"




"Did you call animal services?  The ASPCA?  Oh my God!"  Her face reddened.  She looked ready to tear me into fish-flake sized bits and feed me to something.  Probably dolphins.

I said, "You really care about dolphins."

"More than you know."

"Yes.  How much do you give a year to protect them?"


"You know.  To the ASPCA or whatever dolphin protection charities are out there.  You're really passionate about them.  How much do you give?"

She tilted her head and dropped her shoulders.  "Nothing."

"Oh.  If only you had."

"This isn't my fault!"

"It might be."


And so on.

Back home, that tattoo came off in seconds with a scrub brush.  What a racket.


  1. Love it!!!!!

  2. uhh....sounds like YOU were the bad date to me.

  3. How was this a bad date? Because you didn't follow through on your stupid quid pro quo with the temp tat and then you manipulated this girl's conscience and sense of justice with your lies? Oh wait...it was a bad date. For HER.

  4. That was AWFUL, but I am laughing so hard that I forgive you.

  5. Why isn't she the one writing this up? She should be talking about the douchebag she had the misfortune to spend a day with.

  6. I think the wrong person wrote this one...

  7. you are not a nice guy.

  8. "...this one time, I went on a date with this guy who told me he was at a wedding where these stupid people killed two dolphins by having them swim in a a chlorinated pool... and he didn't even care at all, and when I got upset he started making fun of it, like 'you seem to care a lot about dolphins. Do you give to dolphin charities?? Maybe if you gave more this wouldn't have happened.' God, what a douchebag!" <--- that's your bad date story.

  9. Uhm... it seems like he KNEW that he was being a jerk... which makes it funny. It's funny. Get over it. I'm sure she's fine, it's just a date.

    Quite frankly, if I was her, I would be sitting there laughing the whole time.

  10. Noooooooooooo, my dolphins! Fishing nets, the great pacific garbage patch and now, chlorinated pool water, ahghhhghghghghghgh! Dude, that's just epic.

  11. Awesome. Typical animal right bleeding heart. You're lucky you brought up that story and saved yourself the wasted time of more dates with Hippy McTreehugger

  12. man u guys are Lame! This was one of the funniest stories on this blog!!! This should win the best "worst date" award. This guy is hilarious. She should have donated! LOL

  13. That's hilarious, though I can't say I would've done the same thing. All you had to do was tell her it was fictional, but it doesn't help that she was so good at overreacting. You know, like a child. It gives real animal rights activists a bad name.

  14. Well, you had to choose. This was the funny choice. Thanks for that :)

  15. Thats not typical animal right bleeding heart hippy mctreehugger. Sounds like a dumb girl, her feelings on the environment and fashion sense have nothing to do with it. You just make yourself sound like a prick.


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