We All Had a Crappy Night

Submitted by Megan:

I met Rich at the dog obedience school that my dog Bella and I were attending. At first blush, he seemed nice, and normal, both qualities that had been lacking with the men I had been dating. So, when he asked me out to dinner, I consented and agreed to meet him at a restaurant that Saturday evening.

At the restaurant, the conversation picked up comfortably. Everything was going well. The only thing that was a little strange was that Rich had to keep going to the bathroom. To quell the unspoken question he likely knew was on my mind, after the second trip to the men’s room he mentioned something about a “cleanse” he had been taking lately.

I didn’t ask for any more information on that, as I figured he had it under control, and it’s not exactly polite first-date-style dinner conversation. As I was soon to become aware, he didn’t have it quite under control.

After dinner we decided to go to the recently-opened Ikea to look at furniture for my new town-home. I agreed to drive, since it was really more of an errand for me anyway. I don’t remember much of the conversation until Rich said, “I really need to use the bathroom.”

Well, I suppose (with hindsight’s 20/20 vision) that I should have pulled over, but I had no idea what was about to happen, and apparently neither did Rich, because the next thing he said was, “I’m so sorry, but you have to take me back to my car, NOW.  I couldn’t hold it.”

I was all, like, “Huh?”  Then the smell hit me and it all became clear. Rich, feeling a stomach cramp, had attempted to pass gas in my car and instead he shit his pants. I’m not kidding. An adult male soiled himself in my car!

So, I started driving back to his car, rolling down all the windows to ventilate some of the stench - it was decidedly foul, as you can imagine. The whole time I was laughing so hard I could barely keep the car going straight, and I’m pretty sure I may have, ironically, wet myself a little in my unbridled reaction.

Rich kept saying over and over again “I’m so embarrassed, that has never happened to me before.” Well, I would hope not! I pulled up behind his car in the restaurant parking lot.  He said, “You’re not going to tell anyone about this, are you?”

I reassured him, trying to keep my composure, with a comforting, “Naw, don’t worry about it,” all the time thinking, “Get out of my car so I can call my girlfriend and tell her about this RIGHT NOW.”

So he wiped off my passenger seat with the sleeve of his shirt (thank God I have leather upholstery), looked me in the eye and said, “You will never hear from me again,” and proceeded to his car.

At the time, and with the residue of extreme discomfort and awkwardness, I had no idea how funny the whole thing would become with a little distance, humor and perspective. As far as Rich goes, contrary to his statement of never hearing from him again, he called me twice after that, but I just couldn’t bring myself go out with him again.