5/28/2012

The Carpet Matches the Traipse

Story Sent in by Bess:

Drew and I had gone out on four dates already. For our fifth date, he promised me an outdoor adventure.

"Fifth date," he said when he picked me up from my place in his car, "Hitting the big time."

He was in many ways a dork, but I always found it endearing. It was early morning, just after sunrise. He had planned to take me somewhere about an hour away, but aside from the aforementioned fact that we would be doing something outside, I didn't know what else to expect.

After a jovial ride (at least considering what time of day it was), we arrived at a park and stepped out of his car. He opened his trunk and took out a roll of white shag carpeting. He carried it to the middle of a field, and I was right behind him.

He unfurled it and set it down, then turned to me. "It's as clean as I could get it. Climb in?"

I frowned. "Climb in?"

"God, yes," he said, "Lie down on it. I'll wrap you up like a burrito. That's part of the fun. We'll do me, next."

I had no idea what he was planning, but as I said, I had been on enough dates with him to have some sense that he wasn't going to chop me into pieces. I lay down on the carpet, and he rolled me up in it and stepped back.

"Now count to 50," he said, "then you can unroll yourself."

He stepped behind me, so that I couldn't see him anymore. I began the count, but by the time I made it to 20, I heard his car engine go on.

I unrolled myself, just in time to watch him floor it away. I called and called him with no response, so I swallowed what little pride I had left and called my sister to come pick me up.

When I did bump into him, about three years later, I asked him what his deal was. He replied, "Yeah, you know, I just got, you know, tired of you. I'm a man."

I replied, "An actual man would've just been straight with me, instead of, you know, being an asshole." He shrugged, and that was our last conversation.

8 comments:

  1. Were you THAT boring, OP? I am not sure any man would go THAT length to convey his views on the relationship. :) And ABCD has some pretty WEIRD stories on avoidance! But this one is almost at the top.

    Anyways, glad you made it out of the burrito sack. And three years later, you still asked him? Way to give the man more power.

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  2. Would this be quite expensive in terms of lost carpet?

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    1. Not if he used some carpet remnant he found in a dumpster. He did say it was "as clean as I could get it," which implies it had been nasty before he cleaned it.

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  3. When did simply never responding to the other person's phone calls or texts ever again go out of style?

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  4. Wow, what a douche!!! That sucks OP, I feel for you there. Ignore SplitScreen - clearly a jerk to insinuate your date's behaviour was okay.

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    1. It's just that I find it funny that the guy went to SUCH lengths to get her away from him. AND THEN, after THREE bloody years, she asks him about that? What would you have done? I am pretty sure a kick to his nads would've been a much better conversation starter than asking him what happened.

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  5. That's not what a man does. A man has the courage to face the situation and say what needs to be said. He is a 10 year old in an adult's body.

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  6. Wow, that makes me feel so much better about my recent dumping!

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