2/01/2012

Flatulicious

Story Sent in by Dara:

Ken and I met online and were out to dinner together on a first date. He was a healthy eater: it took him less than a minute to plow through half of his sole and mashed potatoes. Then, he looked up at me and said, "I'm gassy."

It was a foolhardy thing to say, but he mentioned it as if it was an average conversation topic, so I rolled with it. "Don't worry about it. I'm gassy in the mornings."

He fixed his attention right onto me. It was as if I had told him that I knew the precise date and time that he was going to die. "Really?" he asked, "Tell me about it."

I said, "It's nothing really that interesting. I wake up, do a few things, then feel better. I think it's normal, any time of day."

"What things?"

"Uh, going to the bathroom."

He stared like he didn't quite understand. He asked, "How does being in a different room make you less gassy?"

The conversation was wearing on me, and I said, "You know what you do in a bathroom. Once I'm done in there and have had some breakfast, I feel better. Case closed."

"Oh!" he said, "Peeing and poo-pooing." He giggled like a little girl.

The way he said it was funny, and so I laughed a bit, myself. He went on, "I love both of those. We sure are blessed."

I nodded. "We are." I ate more of my chicken Caesar.

Not long after that, he leaned across the table and asked, "What's it feel like when you crap?"

I pushed my plate away from myself and said, "Can we move on to a different subject?"

He pointed to my salad and said, "That'll be poop in just a few hours. You're just eating it now. Pre-poop."

"I just want to talk about something else," I said.

"Okay," he said, "Let's talk about…" and went back to his meal.

We didn't talk for the rest of dinner. He paid the check, and before we even left the restaurant, he gave me a huge hug, said, "Night night," and hurried away.

7 comments:

  1. This one's easy; coprophilia. He was attempting, with moderate success, to steer the conversation towards something he derives sexual pleasure from.

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  2. If you imagine Ken as Beavis (from the old MTV show Beavis and Butthead) then this conversation would be perfectly in keeping with his character.

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    Replies
    1. I disagree. That would require Beavis to get a date.

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    2. B&B is actually back on the air now, and I have to say, it's legit funny! When it first came out, I was at that awkward teenage girl stage where a show "that disgusting" just wasn't funny. Now that I'm older and get some of the jokes more, it's a pretty good time.

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  3. Well that's what you get for going out with an 8-year-old.

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  4. Two words: Scat. Play.

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  5. I don't think it's coprophilia or scat play. I think it's arrested development. A four-year-old in a grown man's body. This is a fellow who suffers from a severe deficiency of Vitamin B-Mature. Let him go back to his playgroup with the rest of the preschoolers until he grows his @$$ up and rents some manners

    ReplyDelete

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