1/31/2012

Winter Is Coming

Story Sent in by Corey:

Elle and I were out on a third date together. To say that I was excited about her was an understatement. We did lunch at a specialty noodle place, and then I suggested that we catch a movie or visit a museum, as it was the dead of winter.

"Let's take a walk by the river! Do you mind?" she asked. I didn't mind. True, it was likely below freezing, but cold river walks meant huddling together, snowball fights, and potential romance.

The sidewalk alongside the river had frozen over, and we had to clutch together and make baby steps. It was pretty ridiculous, but Elle giggled about it, and it seemed as though she was having fun. So was I.

Unexpectedly, she broke away from me and yelled, "Look at me!" then ran down the sidewalk, arms a-flailing. In a slow-motion sort of event, her legs buckled in different directions, and she slammed clumsily onto the pavement.

"Yrrraaaaagghh!" she screamed, then, for emphasis, "Mrraaaaaagh!"

I shuffled over as quickly as I could and helped her up. "Are you okay?" I asked her.

"Now you do it," she said.

"Excuse me?"

"I fell, so now you have to fall. It's fair."

I replied, "I'd rather not fall. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Not until you fall, too. I'm not going to be the only one making an ass out of myself, here."

I mused for a moment, then fake-fell onto the ground. As I picked myself up, I asked, "How was that?"

She shook her head. "No. I actually fell and actually hurt myself. You have to–"

"You hurt yourself? Where? Are you okay?"

"You have to do the same thing. Reciprocity. It's important."

I asked, "So if you accidentally shot yourself in the foot, you'd hand me the gun and expect me to do the same thing?"

"If we were in a relationship? Yeah. That's what a relationship is."

"I'm not going to purposefully hurt myself. You didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"You hurt yourself, but was it on purpose?"

"No."

I recommended that we continue on our way, and if the occasion arose for me to hurt myself, then I would take it. She agreed to that. It still wasn't clear to me if she was kidding around or not, but she seemed in earnest.

The answer came about a minute later, when she walked a bit closer to the river and pointed across it. "What's that?" she asked.

I arrived alongside her and squinted to where she pointed. She then turned to me and attempted to shove me towards the river. Her thick winter outfit, however, made her slow, and I wasn't to be felled that easily.

"Fall," she said, trying repeatedly, "Fall! Fall!"

I didn't fall anywhere, but I said, "Let's head back to the sidewalk. Maybe some hot chocolate will help you feel better."

"I'd feel better if you fell."

"That's nice. Come on."

We walked a bit further down the sidewalk together when she gave me another shove. I was almost knocked off balance and I turned to her. "Stop it. You could really hurt me."

"That's the idea."

"Cut it out."

"No!" she yelled, then tried to knock me down again.

As she did so, her feet kicked out from behind her on the ice and she landed hard on her knees.

"Fraaaaaaaggh!" she screamed.

I went to help her up and once she was on her feet again, she laughed and said, "God obviously hates me! I just keep falling!"

She fell again, that time, I guessed, on purpose. She stood up, then fell again, then again, then again. "I just can't stop falling! God hates me! God hates me!" How she laughed and laughed!

"Elle," I said, "Come on, let's get you someplace warm."

"No!" she shrieked, "I'm just going to keep falling forever! I'll die falling! That's obviously what God wants!"

She stood up and made herself fall a few more times. I said, "Why don't I just meet you at Rook's," referring to a nearby cafe with amazing hot chocolate.

She didn't answer, but continuously threw herself into the snow. I tromped through the snow, away from her, made it the two-block walk to Rook's, ordered a hot chocolate, and waited for her to stop being silly.

She never arrived. They found her skeleton in a hollow by the river at the spring thaw. Just kidding about that last bit. Still, it was probably the most insane I'd ever seen another person become, and I'm in no hurry to see such a thing again.

14 comments:

  1. I believe it. Sometimes, God has a great sense of humor.

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    Replies
    1. Rebuttal, or it never happened. Rebuttal!

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  2. Given all the other insane stories on this site, why wouldn't this one be true, too?

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    Replies
    1. I was just about to ask the same question? This is actually a fairly tame story, and the theme of girls accidentally embarrassing themselves and then trying to maim their dates so they don't feel badly is a pretty common one. A rebuttal from her would likely be boring.

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  3. Is this something that someone with OCD would do? I knew someone in college, that if they dropped something by accident, for example, they would pick it up and drop it 2 more times. Maybe she's like that. Most OCD people don't try to make OTHERS do crazy sh*t though. At least not that I've ever heard of.

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  4. Well the night is dark and full of terrors, so maybe one of the white walkers got her, R'hollor be damned...

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  5. But seriously though, this sort of behavior seems highly suspect to me, as if the OP had never dealt with an idiotic person before - almost as if he didn't even know what idiocy was in the first place.

    "Fall," she said, trying repeatedly, "Fall! Fall!"

    I didn't fall anywhere, but I said, "Let's head back to the sidewalk. Maybe some hot chocolate will help you feel better."

    Right, because when your date is acting like a huge jackass, the appropriate thing is to try and reason with them over a cup of hot chocolate. After all, a cup of hot chocolate could make even Attila the Hun stop his conquering rampage.

    Yeah, not buying it.

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    Replies
    1. Could be. Still, he said it was their third date. He also said that he was excited about her. Makes you slightly more hesitant to throw in the towel, perhaps. Hence the benefit of the doubt.

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    2. Pffff, whatever. Talk about lack of evidence!
      OMG, he offered her a hot chocolate when she was acting like an idiot, it MUST be fake. Everyone knows you should offer them poison, in case they become Attila!

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  6. Churro, you jaded little scamp.

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    Replies
    1. Maybe I've been reading this blog for too long? ;-)

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  7. I dunno... I think the OP sounds a bit dull, to be honest.

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  8. Nah, I believe this one. This just seemed a classic case of "I will hold my breath until I turn blue unless you give in to my demands." She may be mentally the age of two, but I could see this happening. She must have been very sore and cold at the end of that evening, muahaha. No chocolate for you wench.

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