9/19/2011

Andrew Dice Clay's Early Years

Story Sent in by Caroline:

Joe was a guitar player who also wrote and sang his own songs. He wrote to me online, and after I had expressed an interest in hearing him perform, he sent me a link to his site.

He had a great voice and I liked the five songs he had posted up. When I told him that, he took it as a major compliment and promised me "something nice" on our first date.

The night of the date, he handed me a CD and said, "I wrote a new song. I think you'll like it."

I guessed that it was about me, and although I thought it was a bit forward to already be writing songs about me, I was truly touched. I thanked him profusely and he said, "Maybe we can listen to it after dinner, if you have a CD player in your car."

I did, and through dinner, he was the height of politeness. I really enjoyed myself with him, and he seemed to have felt the same way.

Afterward, we climbed into my nearby car, I turned it on, and I popped in his CD.

It opened on a sweet, mellow melody. "Caroline… oh Caroline…" I smiled at him. He smiled back.

The song went on, "Oh Caroline… I want to hold you close… I want to hold you…"

Awww! But wait. There's more:

"Hold you, Caroline… I want to take you out and hold your hand and lead you on the world's great stage… tear off your clothes and see you naked, there, oh Caroline…"

Wait a minute. I said, "Uh…" and he held up a finger and pointed to the CD player.

"Oh Caroline… naked before thousands of people, men, women, and child… they will love you all at the same time, oh Caroline… I can't save you this way, I hope you shaved that day, oh Caroline…"

I hit the eject button. "Okay," I said, and handed it back to him. "Very nice."

He said, "What's wrong? It wasn't done yet."

"I'll listen to it later. What was that part about wanting me naked in front of a thousand people?"

"It's symbolic," he said, "I write in symbols."

"Uh-huh," I said, "Thanks."

The date was over shortly thereafter, and when I went home, I listened to the rest of it. It included the lyric, "I want to press you against me and roll while we're connected at the waist so snug and waaaaaaarrrm…"

I wrote him to advise that he be a bit more subtle on the symbolism, next time.

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  3. My favorite "symbolic" line: "I hope you shaved that day." She wouldn't want to risk traumatizing that one child^ all big foot hairy, right?

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