7/23/2011

We Mean Some Harm to Your Planet

Story Sent in by Alexandra:

My first date with Jerry was supposed to be dinner and drinks, but he called me up just before it and asked me, "Hey, want to do something a little different?"

"Like what?"

"I'll meet you where we agreed, but I'm going to add something extra-special to the evening."

I was up for anything. Almost. As planned, we met up just outside of the restaurant. He gave me a hug and said, "Get in your car and follow me. We're going a little way out of town."

"Where?"

"Something you won't believe. Friends of mine, guys and girls, will be there. We're going alien hunting. Do you have a flashlight?"

Assuming that he was telling the truth, that other people would be there, I didn't see any harm in going. I'd have my car, and it sounded ridiculous, but fun. I followed him about 20 minutes out of town and we parked behind a small line of cars.

We jumped out of our cars, and I grabbed a flashlight from my trunk. Two other people, a guy and a girl, were standing by a nearby car, and we went up to them. Jerry clearly knew who they were.

They greeted us, and I introduced myself. Jerry informed me that one of his friends had an alien implant and that he (the friend) had it on good authority that the aliens were going to land in a nearby field that night.

The couple led us down, into the field. On our way down, Jerry turned to me and said, "Since this might be our last night on earth together," and then tried to kiss me. I pushed him away and he asked, "What's wrong?"

I replied, "I just met you and we're hunting aliens in a field. That's a lot farther than I'd usually go with a guy on a first date. Don't push your luck."

He hurried ahead to his friends, and ignored me for a short while.

We joined a group of four more people. They were crouched behind a rock and told us that they had seen all sorts of strange lights in the sky.

Jerry crept closer to me as they described them. He went to hold my hand. I slipped my hand away, but patted him on the shoulder. He went for my hand again. I slipped away once more. He whispered in my ear, "Aliens are coming. We have a better shot if we're making out."

"A better shot at what?"

"Living. Breathing the free air of tomorrow. Having children someday. Watching them breathe."

I laughed. Someone shouted, "Quiet! There they are!"

Everyone looked across the clearing. I saw nothing but darkness, although the stars I could see through the clouds were beautiful, if a little blotted by city light.

"Where?" someone asked.

I asked, "Which of you has the implant?"

"Me," said a tall guy with glasses. "They're coming to get it back tonight. It stores my memories."

Jerry grabbed my ass. I yelped. Someone said, "Shut up!"

I whispered to Jerry, "Seriously, I'm having a good time out here, but stop with the touchy-feely stuff." He tried to kiss me again, and I whacked at him with my flashlight.

"Oh my God!" he yelled, and several voices said, "Shut up!" "Dude, quiet!" "You're going to scare them away!"

He yelled, "Did you see what this bitch just did? I let her tag along and she won't give me any play!"

Implant guy said, "Seriously, Jerry, you're going to scare them away. Shut the hell up."

"Not until she leaves," Jerry said, "If I can't have her then none of you will! None of you!"

Tired of being overwhelmed by his immaturity, I said, "Fine!" and trudged back to my car.

Someone said, "Why'd you send her away? I liked her." That was nice to hear, but Jerry was a lunatic, and I didn't want to be around him anymore.

When I made it back to my car, I heard several of them screaming, but I'm sure they were just fooling around. I drove home, and I didn't hear from Jerry until the next day, when he sent me an email full of expletives, telling me how much better than me he was.

It ended with the line, "Oh, and if you're wondering if we met any aliens last night, WE DID. WE DID AND YOU DIDN'T!  HAH!"

If they seriously did, and if a guy like Jerry was our representative, then I'm sorry but we're doomed.

9 comments:

  1. "I'm sure they were just fooling around."

    ...or DEAD.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This sounds familiar. Didn't someone post a similar story?

    ReplyDelete
  3. ^agreed. I almost thought it was a repeat lol. How does that guy continue to get dates???

    ReplyDelete
  4. HOW THE WORLD ENDS

    "Greetings, we come in peace and seek to exchange knowledge."

    "Yes! Did you hear that you guys? This hot alien bitch is gonna give me some play!"

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm pretty sure there's been a very similar story.
    OP was braver than I would be on a first date with some guy I'd never met, going into the woods with his friends at night is just asking for a gang rape.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think this might be the similar story everyone is talking about:

    http://www.abadcaseofthedates.com/2011/01/aliens-among-us.html

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hmmm. Likely the same guy. Or maybe there's one cabal of amateur alien hunters who are consistently bad with women. Or maybe that's all UFO hunters.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yep, that was the story I was thinking about when I read this one.

    ReplyDelete
  9. It isn't deja vu, guys. It's just the aliens selectively erasing things...

    ReplyDelete

Content Policy

A Bad Case of the Dates reserves the right to publish or not publish any submitted content at any time, and by submitting content to A Bad Case of the Dates, you retain original copyright, but are granting us the right to post, edit, and/or republish your content forever and in any media throughout the universe. If Zeta Reticulans come down from their home planet to harvest bad dating stories, you could become an intergalactic megastar. Go you!

A Bad Case of the Dates is not responsible for user comments. We also reserve the right to delete any comments at any time and for any reason. We're hoping to not have to, though.

Aching to reach us? abadcaseofthedates at gmail dot com.