The Scoop Nazi

Story Sent in by Evan:

I took Micaela on a date to a deli that I thought she'd like. When it was our turn to order at the counter, I ordered a bialy with cream cheese, onions, and smoked salmon. At Micaela's turn, she asked for a scoop of cream cheese. That's it.

"What do you want it on?" the deli guy asked.

Micaela stuck out her hand, palm up, at him. It was as if she wanted him to just glop the cream cheese right on her hand.

The guy shook his head. "Can't. Public health reasons. I can just put it on a plate for you."

Micaela sighed the biggest sigh and said, "Fine." She turned to me and said, "I hate plates."

We sat down. Me with my bialy and her with her... spread. She cut at her scoop of cream cheese with a knife and fork. I asked her how it was and she said, "Terrible. It's on a plate. My hands are clean. I don't know what the problem was."

I suggested, "Maybe just transfer it from the plate to your hand?"

She said, "Too late. It has that porcelain aftertaste," and made a disgusted face.

That didn't stop her from finishing the cream cheese, though. Or from licking the plate clean. She then stood up and said, "I'm gonna get some more. Want anything?"

I didn't. She went up to the counter, talked to the guy, and came back empty-handed. She sulked, "He said he wouldn't give it to me on my hand. I just paid for a scoop what I could've gotten at a grocery store for a whole container."

I mused, "When you eat it out of a container, wouldn't it have a plastic aftertaste?"

She gave me a look like I was a total moron and said, "No. Why would it?"

I offered her some of my bialy but she turned me down. I asked her if she wanted to go to a nearby ice cream place afterward and she deadpan responded, "Not unless they'll serve me a scoop in my bare hand."

I'm sorry. I HAD to see this happen. I took her to the ice cream shop and I asked them if they'd drop the scoop of ice cream right from the scoop into Micaela's hand. They said they wouldn't, echoing the deli guy's health department statement. Micaela turned to me and said, "See?"

She watched me eat my ice cream while she just sat there with an empty cup. We then went our separate ways.


  1. A hands-on kind of girl that isn't squeamish could be awesome in some areas. Not so great in others:
    "Ready to walk the dog Evan?"
    "Sure Micaela, but can we please use the poop bags this time?"

  2. Wonder what she does with soup?

  3. I bet she gives great handies...

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. I scream.You Scream. We all scream when we see Micaela coming with her handfuls of cream cheese and ice cream. It's still beating heart she desires


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