Dat Ass

(So many great films! Which should you see? Click here for this week's Jared's Inkwell! -JMG)

Story Sent in by Nicholas:

I took Jessica out to a classy Chinese restaurant. Not long after we sat down she became fixated on something on the ceiling above and behind my head.

Following her gaze, I looked up and saw nothing but a ceiling. I asked, "What are you looking at?"

She said, "There's something on the ceiling. You don't see it?"

I looked up again. The ceiling was smooth, off-white, and featureless aside from a few light fixtures. I asked, "Did you see a bug or something?"

She replied, "No. It looked like... it looked like someone's ass poking through the ceiling. Like a baby's ass."

I looked again. There was nothing there that even remotely resembled any ass at all. But I was so curious that I stood up and slipped over to her side of the table so that I could see the ceiling from her perspective. Who knew? Maybe the lighting made some sort of baby-ass-shaped shadow from her perspective.

When I looked up from her side of the table, I saw the ceiling and nothing else. I asked her to point out this phantom ass to me and she gave a vague gesture which convinced me that she was just seeing things.

Situating myself back on my side of the table she said with a straight face, "I'll let you know if it comes back. You don't want ass drippings in your soup."

I agreed with that in spirit, and as dinner wore on she spent way more time fixating on the ceiling than on anything I said or asked. Convinced that she was a few cards short of a full deck, I didn't ask her out again.


  1. How else do you think they make the Egg Drop Soup?

  2. I want to know how often she sees baby asses. Was it a one time thing? Is this poor women plagued by infant bottoms? Honestly OP I'm ashamed you didn't recognize such a horrible problem and offer to break the curse for her. You'd probably have gotten laid on the first date.

  3. When I read this story, this is all I could hear in my mind.

  4. Happy Birthday, Jared! I'm very much in the Ramen twice a day range of poor, or I'd happily prove my like for you. As it is, I can offer only this simple haiku. I pray it is to your liking.

    Though our dates do stink,
    Your blog brings us sweet laughter.
    May you never leave

  5. Birthday present for Jarrrrrrrrrred: Check.

    Enjoy and keep the stories coming!

    1. Thank you so much! I promise to use it for evil.

    2. I would expect nothing less. Just add it to your huge pile of un-opened gifts from fans in the gift room of the ABCotD mansion. Don't mind the subtle ticking sound.

  6. Happy B Day. BTW, the @$$ wasn't on the ceiling. It was in the booth


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