My Butt's in My Front

Story Sent in by Jane:

"I'll cook," Steven said, "We'll watch a movie or two." Thus my third date with Steven was arranged. I was on the fence about him for a while. We had met online. He was a nice guy but quiet, and really, really awkward. At first I thought it was endearing, and it shortly became annoying. He would ask me about my past relationships and consistently point out that I had more "experience" than he did. Yep. No big deal. Moving on.

Unless the third date was positively magical, I was sure that there wouldn't be a fourth date. He hadn't tried to kiss me or even hug me yet, but I was increasingly unsure if I wanted him to try anything.

I went to his apartment and he ushered me into his living room. He gave me a choice of three films (Captain America, Tim Burton's Batman, or Attack of the Killer Tomatoes) and then disappeared into another room. The kitchen? Maybe. Something smelled good.

He returned a few minutes later in a full set of purple flannel footed pajamas. It even had the snaps and flap for the rear... only he was actually wearing them backward, so that the flap was in the front.

I was ready to laugh myself silly when he said, "I made you something really good for dinner. Wait right here."

I didn't have a chance to say a word about his pajamas. In fact, I sort of wanted him to reference them, first. Was he trying to pull a reaction out of me? He served dinner right there in the living room (it was pretty good, in his defense) and he popped in Batman.

The whole time, he sat next to me in those insane pajamas. I did my best to concentrate on the film and to ignore the flannel flap that was my only protection against his erection.

Once the film was done, I yawned and told him that I was tired. He stood up from the couch, his impossible-to-ignore erection right at my face. I stood up and he walked me to the door.

Once at the door, I told him, "I had a nice time," then took a moment and said, "Look, I think you're a great guy. But I have a lot going on in my life right now, and I think it would be best if we stayed friends."

Almost on cue, he said, "Penis," then slammed the door in my face.

I guess we were both throwing in the towel.


  1. What? No points for creativity?

    His last line was fantastic! There, I said it!

  2. I once went to a onesie pub crawl wearing a bright purple onesie and ended up going home with a woman I met there. In the morning I realized I didn't have any other clothes with me so I took the 2 subways and 20 minute walk home in the onesie and whenever I got asked "so.. what's with the purple onesie?" I would respond Dos-Equis-guy-style "I don't always do the walk of shame, but when I do, I do it in a purple onesie."

    Mine didn't have a butt flap though. AFAIR mine weren't footed either. Wearing footed PJs backwards can't be comfortable...


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