Cleveland Screamer

Story Sent in by Rob:

Jordana was a sophomore I met when I was a senior at college. I fell for her pretty hard and she seemed to tolerate my foolishness well enough. We dated for a solid few weeks when Halloween rolled around.

We had been in touch every day since we met. It was by no means a requirement, but it was a nice reassurance that we'd always be there to talk to each other. One day, close to Halloween, I didn't hear from her at all. It was odd, but I left her a voicemail and guessed she was busy and I'd hear from her whenever.

The next morning, there was a voicemail from a number I didn't recognize. The person on the message was a woman with a low, monotonous voice. She asked, "Are you from Cleveland? You are from Cleveland," and that was it.

I had lunch with Jordana and she confirmed that she had indeed been busy the prior day and lost track of time. No big deal at all. We also had dinner together and hung out in my room for a while afterward. She went back to her place and I went to bed.

The next morning, I woke to another voicemail. It was from a different number I didn't know. The same woman's voice said, "Cleveland makes 10 days per murder," or something like that.

At dinner that night with Jordana, I told her about these silly little voicemails. She agreed that they sounded weird but didn't let on that she knew anything about them. Well, why would she?

The next day was Halloween. I woke to a final voicemail with the same voice from a third unidentified number: "Cleveland Cleveland break your bones, Cleveland Cleveland rip your flesh, Cleveland Cleveland consume your flesh and poop it out."

My guess was that it was a sorority initiation thing. I didn't know anyone who was pledging, and so it remained a mystery. Anyway, Jordana and I were going to a big Halloween party that night and I looked forward to that.

We walked to the party on the far side of campus. On our way there, she asked me if we could take a slight detour to another party. "Some of my friends are there and I told them I'd stop by," she explained.

We walked off campus to a nearby street with a bunch of houses on it. She led me into a quiet backyard and knocked on a basement door. The door opened and a person in a black cloak and skull mask stood there. No words were exchanged, but Jordana and the skull person nodded at each other and I followed Jordana inside.

It was pitch black and deathly quiet within. The door shut behind me and I didn't see where Jordana went. I called out, "Hello?"

Something slammed against the side of my head and knocked me down. Then I felt punches and kicks. Then I heard a group of at least a dozen men and women screaming, chanting, "CLEVELAND! CLEVELAND! CLEVELAND! CLEVELAND! CLEVELAND!"

I don't know how I did it, but I was able to roll away and dodge the rest of the blows. They were seriously trying to hurt me. I called out for Jordana but she didn't answer. A man's voice in the dark called out, "Jordana is now one of us. She is Gora Gora the death witch! And she demands you answer for your crimes!"

They launched back into "CLEVELAND! CLEVELAND! CLEVELAND!" and I somehow caught my bearings and found my way back to the door. It had been locked but I found the deadbolt, unlocked it, and tore out of there faster than you can say, "Cleveland." I didn't look back.

I was almost too freaked out to go to the big party, but I went anyway, figuring that Jordana might show up. She didn't, and the whole time I wondered if a dark-cloaked idiot would sneak up behind me and clock me while shouting, "CLEVELAND!"

I didn't hear from Jordana for a full week. The school was big enough such that I wouldn't likely encounter her unless I made plans to. I called her a few times and left messages. Finally I contacted one of her roommates and she informed me that Jordana had apparently taken a leave of absence from the school and hadn't told anybody. The roommate apologized and promised to let me know if she heard anything more.

This was about 10 years ago. I never heard from Jordana again.


  1. Wow OP, you still went to the party after that? I bet I can guess your costume....

    Seriously though, you didn't call the police? At no point did you think "I was definitely assaulted back there and I might have been killed. Perhaps I should go to the authorities with this matter." Maybe I watch too much Walking Dead but those guys were definitely cannibals and were totes going to eat you.

  2. Yeah...uh...this sounds apocryphal. A normal person (if they still were stupid enough to enter a cellar with creeps), after having escaped, would have led the police to the house and pressed assault charges. Loved the Cleveland "costume", but (shakes head and squints one eye) am suspicious this ever happened.

  3. Oh man, La Mar is calling Fake! It does have the whiff of "So, like, this one time..."

  4. Cops. Seriously. Before they kill somebody.

  5. My question is... what happened to Jordana? What if she was actually missing, and these guys set her up as well?

    Maybe she's been gone since that night, and her family haven't seen her since!


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