The Purple Wedding

Story Sent in by Daniel:

Kristina was in all purple on our date. "It's my favorite color," she told me.

"Your stockings are black," I pointed out.

She said, "Yeah, and my underwear isn't purple today, either. But you didn't need to know that." Okay. Not noted, then.

When we sat down she told me all about how purple was her totem color, that it saved her life once (though she didn't specify how) and how when she was married, all the decor would be purple.

I asked, "What if your husband doesn't like purple?"

"Then I won't like my husband," she said, "And anyway, a wedding is really more the bride's day, so it won't matter."

Regardless of her beliefs, I thought it was too soon to be discussing marriage and so we talked about other topics. When our meals came, she took the salt and pepper shakers, set them next to each other in the middle of the table, took some purple ribbon out of her purse, and tied little bows around each of them.

"They're getting married," she said, as proud as a beaming parent. She then looked up at me and said, "Say congratulations."

I cracked a smirk, because I thought she was kidding around. But she said again, a lot more seriously, "Say congratulations."

"You want me to... congratulate the salt and pepper?"

"They're married."


She nudged them back to their place on the far side of the table while humming the wedding march.

"You didn't say congratulations," I was inclined to point out.

She said, "Are you one of those guys who just loves ruining things?"

I didn't have a reply to that, but she wiped her eyes as if she was crying (she wasn't) and said, "I just wanted to give them a special day. Why'd you have to ruin it?"

I wanted the rest of dinner to go civilly so I apologized just to shut her up. "Too late," she said, wiping her eyes again, "The day's ruined."

After sulking for a few minutes she finally came around and we talked about normal things for the rest of the date. We split the check, she gave me a great big hug goodbye, and I never asked her out again.


  1. She should really love blue and red.

  2. This chick. Is out. To. Lunch!

  3. "What if your husband doesn't like purple?"

    Then he better get used to the color, cause he's gonna have a lot of purple bruises!

    (Disclaimer: Domestic violence in real life may not be as funny as portrayed in jokes.)

  4. Wow.

    The band Gogol Bordello has a song Start Wearing Purple. The story is that he and his girlfriend moved into an apartment building where they had a neighbor who wore purple head to toe every day and was completely nuts. So whenever he got into an argument with his girlfriend and she was talking crazy he'd tell her "You might as well start wearing purple now"

    If this story isn't about that woman, I don't know who else it could be about. Unless there is more than one? Yikes!

  5. At girlscout camp in Indiana we were told that the salt and pepper had to stay together because they were married and if we separated them they would be divorced. We were also told that if we put our elbows on the table that we were killing table fairies. And if we reached across the table we were killing helecopter fairies. I wasn't the OP's date but with a few more dashes of crazy I could have been. Lol.

  6. You purple rained on her parade !

  7. Sounds like Marie Schrader is having a little trouble moving on after Hank.

  8. Memorable date! I doubt you will ever look at purple the same way again. lol


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