Pizza to Go

Story Sent in by Charlotte:

Dan wrote to me first on OKCupid. He was cute and funny and we liked most of the same movies. We went out twice and we had a good time.

The third time, he gave me his address and invited me over to try some of his homemade pizza before we went out. When I arrived at his apartment, I entered the vestibule (he'd have to buzz me in) and I rang the buzzer but he never came down. I rang it again and even called his phone. It went right to voicemail, like his phone was off. I waited there until a resident exited, and so I caught the door and went up to his place.

I knocked on his door, but there was no answer. I left.

He called me the next day to ask me what was up. I was miffed, and I asked him what had happened the prior night. He said, "You came to my place last night? I thought you were coming over tonight!"

I am 100% positive, beyond a shred of doubt, that he had asked me to come over the night before. He was definitely wrong, but I didn't make a big deal out of it. He asked me to come over that night, and then we'd go out to a friend's party.

When I made it to his place, I found that his "homemade" pizza came right out of a Domino's box.

"This is your homemade pizza?" I asked him.

He said, "Well, it had to have been made in someone's home, right?"

"Or a Domino's store."

"Which is home to its employees."

Right. We ate and then he drove us to his friend's party. Which, by the way, was a pool party. He had neglected to tell me to bring a bathing suit.

"Just jump in with your clothes," Dan suggested. Thanks, Dan. And what about him? Had he remembered to bring a bathing suit?

He said, "My friend has spares, but they're for guys. Sorry."

Dan went off to socialize with everyone who wasn't me, so I made it my business to at least introduce myself to people and maybe make some new friends.

A cool guy named Jason talked to me for a bit, and after a couple drinks, he and I made out in the house bathroom. We talked for a bit more and then he offered to drive me home. I looked around for Dan but I couldn't find him, so I left with Jason and made it to my house safe and sound.

The next day, Dan called to ask me if I wanted to go to his house for more homemade pizza. I told him that I was just fine without. He asked when he could see me again, and I told him that it probably wasn't going to happen. He asked me again if I wanted to talk things out over homemade pizza, and I assured him that I was all set.

He called me again that day, while I was at work. I didn't catch the call coming in so he left a message. The message said, "So I'm just here, you know, eating pizza. Wish you were here. You can come over tonight if you want. I have pizza. Pizza for you. Homemade. Pizza. Homemade pizza."

Then, he belched the entire alphabet. I was so horrified that I actually listened to the whole thing, all the way through. Once he made it to "Z," he hung up.


(Huge thanks to each of you who supported Are You with Me, my new short film! We hit 234% of our funding goal! -JMG)


  1. Was "Dan" his real name? Or was it more like... DANATELLO?!?

    That's right, I called it. This is exactly what you get when you date a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

  2. "I was so horrified that I actually listened to the whole thing, all the way through."....Hmm, horrified or waxing the cat like mad? EVS is a helluva drug. It can make anything too compelling to tear away from.

    Also, @Wolfie: c'mere ya reference making god!

  3. You go, girl! I'm sure the dude you hooked up with in the bathroom was of MUCH higher quality...

  4. @Steve - I'm loving your new go-grrl! persona

  5. ^ Thanks! I'm always looking to add fresh material...

  6. Fizziks, how do I love you? Let me count the ways. Well, one way is for that special gift: EVS is a helluva drug. It sure is. It sure is

  7. On behalf of the internet I would like to formally wriggle a finger into Wolfie, Steve, Tanette, and Fizziks gets two. Now that's a high five to remember.

  8. So did you hook up with that guy in the bathroom again or what? I want to know if you took it to the next level aka the pantry.

  9. Fizziks, with all this animated media you are showering me with, you are either the April O'Neill or the R. Kelly of my world. ;-)


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