'Tis the Season!

Story Sent in by Gail:

On our way through a mall to a movie theater, Richard and I passed through a department store that had a bowl of free wrapped candy canes. He took two and offered one to me, but I declined.

When we sat down in the theater, he asked me if I had ever seen a candy cane factory. I told him I hadn't. He unzipped his pants and pulled out his Johnson, which was, for the instant I glanced at it, actually painted with a red candy-cane-like spiral stripe.

I launched myself over the seats in front of us (they were unoccupied) and made a beeline out of the theater.

"Wait! Stop!" he yelled behind me as if I was making a terrible mistake.

The next morning, I woke to an email from him that read: "U missed a great film. Also u should pay me for the ticket I bought for u. Just saying."

He also attached a dozen photos of his candy-striped surprise. No I didn't open any of them, but my email unfortunately shows previews of attached photos.


  1. Be still my beating heart, Richard has combined two of my favorite things, candy and dick. Gail, if you don't mind, may I get his contact details. Wish me luck everyone.

  2. In my day you didn't paint your phallus like a barber pole until after Thanksgiving. Now everyone starts getting out the mistletoe merkins before Halloween is even over.

  3. @ Fizziks - I know, right!?! I like my phallus to be seasonally appropriate, which is why I currently have it decorated as a turkey. Gobble gobble!

  4. @LupineREM - Now I'm curious what you might do for Veteran's Day.

  5. HA! I like this guy! I mean we've got plenty of stories of guys whipping it out unexpectedly but not enough of them go that extra mile and paint it festively.

    And bonus points to Jarrred who subtly choose to name our subject Richard. What a dick.

  6. "He unzipped his pants and pulled out his Johnson, "

    I work with 3 people named Johnson. You have just made tomorrow very awkward.

  7. Johnson? All right, Mr. Lebowski.

  8. @ Fizziks - He adds a bayonet to the end of it?

  9. Ve come back here und ve cut off your chonson!

  10. Well Fizziks, on Veteran's Day I like to have my phallus take the PTSD approach, being impossible to rouse for long periods and then suddently leaping to attention at a moment's notice, with sweat running down its head. Occasionally it'll go berserk and "shoot up" a bunch of random people at a bar.

  11. I prefer the terms "man-sword" and "One-Eyed Emperor" myself.


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