I Has a Bucket

Story Sent in by Corey:

Jill and I were on our second date, chilling out on her porch. We had taken a dip in her above-ground pool earlier in the afternoon, then showered and changed, then cooked some dinner. At this point it was sundown. It was cooling off, and a very pleasant end to a very pleasant day.

It was after dinner and we were sitting close to each other in matching lounge chairs. I was actually in the middle of figuring out how to kiss her in the smoothest possible way when she asked me if I wanted some water. I did. She disappeared inside, presumably to grab it. I shut my eyes and leaned back in the chair.

I heard the front door reopen, but before I could turn to see what she had brought, she dumped a pail of liquid all over me. At first I thought it was water, but then I smelled it. It smelled like garbage runoff, and it was uncomfortably warm.

I shot out of the lounge chair immediately, swore up and down, and demanded to know what it was she had poured all over me.

She gave me a funny look. Then, she set the pail down and stretched out on her own lounge chair. She closed her eyes and ignored me.

I went inside, took off my wet clothes, toweled off, changed back into my bathing suit, and left her house. I figured that if she wouldn't give me an explanation, I wouldn't give her one. Although I thought that at least to her, it would be obvious why I left. Whereas in her case, her action was a complete mystery.

I never did find out what her problem was. She's married now with two kids. I hope they grow eyes in the back of their head, whenever she's around.


  1. The rebuttal for this has to be good. Because an event like this only happens in the OP's mind. The woman he was leering at across the food court mall probably didn't realize they were on a date.

  2. I'd love, just for once, one of these crazies to have a rebuttal and basically admit that it's all true.

    "Yeah, he was awkward and I could tell he wanted to make out (ew! as if!), so I decided to dump garbage-water on him so he'd leave... what's the big deal?"

  3. A similar thing once happened to an acquaintance at a barbecue. In the middle of a conversation with his date, she broke off their talk and repeatedly hit him in the face with a metal spatula, then turned away to speak with her wide-eyed friends as if nothing odd had just taken place.

    In both cases, the phrase, "This is a good idea" flashed through the aggressors' minds.

  4. I can't stop hearing Mitch Hedburg in my head:

    "I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was thirty seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool."

    That being said, WTF is up with OP's date? Fizziks, you're the expert on liquids that smell like garbage runoff. Care to speculate?

  5. As usual there is a simple explanation. OP was dating Fizziks, she's a squirter.

  6. The bucket was the runoff from the pile of garbage she had sex on. While the twin watched. Twice.

    Either that, or Chunky Horse's slop bucket...

  7. @ TryN2Fly - I was the above ground pool. But at least I know what happened to the results of my tuna water enema. I was saving that for breakfast - so sweet and so cold.

  8. I wonder if this is the same girl from the Belch Bucket story?!


  9. "so sweet and so cold"

    Nice literary reference!

  10. @Damon - I really despise his poetry (hence using it for something so gross) but WCW is a great essayist, I'll say that much.

  11. Hmm. Seems like there are some details missing here.

    Something like 'I took out my penis and starting waving it smoothly in her direction. She frowned and asked me if I needed a drink of water...'

  12. This is just to say, my plums are there for the gargling. Fizziks first for being clever

  13. :-( I always liked his poetry.

  14. Oh Mitch Hedberg! May he rest in peace. I thought of him as well. I like all of your hypotheses. :)

  15. @Damon - thoughtful people can disagree, especially about poetry. After all, it's the visceral impact poetry can have that makes it so special, yes?

    And it is impactful; it hits me all wrong and still I quote it, still it haunts the synapses.

  16. JMG, I've noticed that when someone posts a URL in a comment, it stretches the size of the entire comment area, but hides the overflow, so now everyone's comments are cut off on the right. I'm on mobile Safari, so — I don't know; it doesn't like one of your styles.

  17. Thanks for letting me know. It seems to wrap it fine in Firefox, but I know there are still a few bugs since the redesign. I'll look into it on this end.

  18. Thanks Mike & JMG, also using mobile safari. I thought it was the drug & alcohol.


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