Girl on Fire

Story Sent in by Rudy:

Dorothy and I were at a nice restaurant. As it grew darker outside, the electric lights within dimmed and a waiter went around lighting a candle at each table.

I thought it was romantic, but Dorothy gazed at the little flame with apprehension. "I can't believe that," she said, "He practically just lit a fire at our table."

I said, "It's just one candle."

She glanced several times at a wall-mounted fire extinguisher, near the hosts' station. I said, "I hardly think this warrants an extinguisher. If you don't want the candle, then blow it out."

She said, "I can't 'blow it out.' Oxygen feeds fire. Blowing it out will just make it worse."

I blew it out. She freaked out. "Oh my God! You could've just incinerated me! Are you crazy? You must be crazy! What if you lit this whole place on fire?"

"Uh... are you crazy? It was just a candle."

"At my college, a girl burned her dorm room down by putting just one candle on her computer."

I laughed. "And were you that girl?"

"No! I'm careful around fire. As everyone should be." She looked around at all the other candles. "We should leave as soon as possible. I don't want us to die, tonight."

She asked for the check the next time our waiter passed. We paid it and I asked her, "Are you going to go through life afraid of fire?"

"Yes," she said, "And if you love fire, then you're no friend of mine." That ended the conversation, and my interest in her. I hope that her fire-less life has gone well.


  1. I'm guessing she's not the girl for Howie either as it burns when he pees.

  2. I guess you were just...

    too hot to handle

  3. I can't say I fault Dorothy for being concerned as I have incinerated myself several hundred times by blowing out a candle. That shit smarts for reals.

  4. You should've countered, "Well at my college, a guy froze to death after the dorm's heat went out and he refused to light a candle to warm himself. And I WAS THAT GUY," and then devoured her brain. That would teach her to love and respect life-nourishing fire.

  5. @ JMG - LMAO

    Dorothy, you're supposed to "play it safe around electricity". Louie the Lightning Bug didn't say anything about fire.

    Also, I love when people give tell horrific stories with no details. The candle that burned down the dorm room...was it sitting under a curtain? Next to a pile of oily rags? Was this supposed computer made of newspaper? Did the girl do a spit take while drinking Everclear?

  6. It burns when I shit too...I blame the Franks Red Hot®...I put that shit on everything.

  7. @ Architect - the real story is that she once got a ride home with this chick that lit two candles since her dashboard lights were out. But I should sic this lady on those Tanette-vigil-havers. They're really interrupting my beauty sleep, where by sleep I mean quarterly hibernation in a mayonnaise tank.

    I'm curious how you just burn down one room in a dorm and leave everything else intact.

  8. She apparently doesn't know human being breathe out carbon dioxide.. fire hates that stuff!

  9. As a fire performer, this made me laugh so hard.

  10. I formally challenge Fizziks to a mayonnaise wrestling contest. The winner gets Howies hot boyfriend Frank.

  11. @TryN2Fly - well, it's less mayonnaise and more "seepage"

  12. Fizziks I will try to tell them to stop and bring over some mustard.

  13. Fizziks I will try to tell them to stop and bring over some mustard.

  14. Hey, Fizziks, I'm trying to get them to stop, but they won't do it. I don't know. I don't even know. J, you crack me up. Perfect come back. Ashley, you are right, except that there is a little bit of O2 when a human breathes out which is why CPR works all right. So maybe the OPs date was counting on that to burn everything up. Anyhow!

  15. Too bad Dorothy didn't live 500,000,000 years ago when there wasn't much O2 in the air.


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