Consumer Report

Story Sent in by Cameron:

Veronica and I went on a date in college. We visited an Italian restaurant and both ordered pasta. When our food arrived, she shoveled about 10 heaping forkfuls into her mouth before she started to chew. As she chewed, she made all sorts of "Hunngh... mrrummmff... rrmmuunnghh..." noises, like it was a colossal effort to make it through the bowling ball-sized glob of penne.

"I think you should take smaller bites." I suggested to her.

She somehow swallowed and said, "My friends say that my ability to do that is a talent."

"Then I also think you should find different friends."

For her next trick, she stuffed most of the remaining bowl of pasta into her mouth, and set to work on chewing it. It was a wonder to behold. Like watching a greedy squirrel engulf an apple five times its head-size.

When she finally swallowed, she said, "I actually save a lot of time by eating this way."

I nodded and said, "Who's got the time to eat like a normal person, nowadays?"

She laughed at that, as if in agreement. She was very nice, other than that, but not nice enough for me to imagine going out with her again. I didn't want to be held responsible if she engulfed a small child. Or, for that matter, a large child.


  1. "But I guess a mid-size child would be okay."

  2. No worries. This is America, all of our children are now obese.

  3. Imagine her stuffing a large sausage in her mouth and you may not have been so quick to dismiss her.

  4. Bad table manners are a good indication of other questionable behaviors. OP did the right thing, end things on a decent note and run for the hills.

  5. Where do these people come from? Here was what was going through her little squirrel brain: "I know, I'll impress him on our first date by showing him I can eat an entire meal in two bites! He'll love that! How could this possibly go wrong?" Just because you CAN do something, does not mean that you SHOULD do it.

  6. Of course "Then I also think you should find different friends." Kind of a dick thing to say.

  7. Steve, I knew you'd come up with some kinda fat joke. And Howie, I knew you'd have a "sausage" joke of some kind. Yah me! :)


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