Steve's Bayou

Story Sent in by Steve:

Betsy asked me, on our first date, "Have you ever killed someone?"

I told her the truth. "No, but I was indirectly responsible for losing someone's pet parrot when I was 10. Based on how the parrot owner reacted, it was just like I had killed someone. Does that count?"

She shook her head. I asked, "Why, have you?"

She replied, "Yeah. But I don't wanna talk about it."

We didn't talk about it, but it was a conversation-killer. Through dinner, she sighed heavily and her breath was shaky, like she was going to start crying at any second. It dawned on me that she wanted me to ask her for details, but I wasn't really interested.

Finally, she said, "You're not going to ask me who I killed?"

"I wasn't planning on it."

"I killed my stepfather. I thought he was molesting my sister, but he wasn't. He was just having an affair, but I told the woman's husband and he killed my stepfather, so he's dead because of me."

I let it sink in for a sec, then said, "That's the plot to Eve's Bayou."

She said, "Is it? Well, it's the plot of my life."

I replied, "You must feel really guilty."

"I do," she snapped, "Thanks for bringing it up!"

We both sat through the painful remainder of dinner without saying much else. In fact, I don't remember saying anything at all. I paid the check (she had hardly eaten), she didn't thank me, but she did say, "Have a good night" before vanishing from my life forever.


  1. Heeey, I'm pretty sure I didn't send this in... and I'm also pretty sure that I'm the only Steve that has EVER read ABCD, so this = FAKE!

    1. I had a feeling you'd show up, EVERY STEVE EVAR.

    2. We always knew it would end this way...

  2. This is quintessential human stupidity: "I have a really big secret/thing that's different, strange, not obvious about me, and I'm gonna hint at it every way I can. However, as soon as someone tries to bring it up or talk to me about it, I'll be mortified and terrified because it's bad/embarrassing."


  3. I lost it at "That's the plot to Eve's Bayou."


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