Water You Waiting For?

Story Sent in by Avery:

It was one of the hottest summers I can remember, and the local fire department opened up one of the nearby hydrants so that residents and their children could cool down, right on the street. I called up Doreen, who I'd been dating for a little while, and told her, "There's an open hydrant on my street. Come on over and bring your bathing suit. Then we can shower and do dinner."

She loved the sound of it and said that she'd be right over.

When she arrived, I was already in my bathing suit and had towels ready. She was dressed in a nice outfit. I told her, "You can use my bathroom to change."

She gave me a look. "Change? Into what?"

"Your bathing suit. For the open hydrant. I figure we can get a little wet, come back here, shower, go out to dinner–"

"I'm not playing in a fire hydrant. Are you nuts?"

"Oh. Over the phone, you said–"

"You never mentioned anything about a hydrant. Are you insane? In all that rusty water with those diseases?"

I had to crack a smile. "I definitely mentioned it over the phone. It was the first thing I mentioned. I said to bring your bathing suit. Plus, kids and their parents are playing in it, so I'm pretty sure that it's clean enough. We can shower after."

"You never mentioned it. I swear to God. And anyway, I don't have my bathing suit with me, so that's that."

She was convinced of it. I shrugged and said, "Okay. I'm going to go to the hydrant for a few minutes, then I'll be back."

She stared at me, open-mouthed. "What did I just finish telling you? I'm not going to play in the hydrant."

I said, "That's fine. I haven't done it since I was a kid, and I want to just run through it. I'll come back, shower, and then we can go out to dinner."

"You're just going to leave me here?"

I replied, "Just for a few minutes. Probably less than 10. I had my heart set on it, and I want to do it."

She said, "If you think for a second that I'm going to want to... want to... be seen with you after you're covered in dirt and feces from that hydrant–"


"If you go to that hydrant, then I'll just go home. Simple as that."

I went to the hydrant, and we stopped dating immediately thereafter. It was worth it to cool off. And it was awesome.


  1. As a (mild) germaphobe myself, I sympathise with Doreen somewhat. From her reaction, it sounds like OP didn't convey the part about it being a fire hydrant - she probably thought it was something else like a sprinkler system. It may not have been an important distinction to you, but a germaphobe would DEFINITELY remember it and be legit pissed that he hadn't mentioned it.

    Also, allow me to translate this statement: "If you think for a second that I'm going to want to... want to... be seen with you after you're covered in dirt and feces from that hydrant–"

    It sounds to me like she started to say "going to want to sleep with you." My perspective of the story is that Doreen visualized cooking dinner together (or maybe she'd cook dinner for the OP while he played in the sprinklers) and then spending the night over at his place, but the prospect of sex after he had been in the hydrant gave her an instinctive nausea reaction, which it's unfair to judge her for. Everyone has their own dealbreakers and if you don't meet their criteria, you don't get the sexy time - simple as that.

  2. Remind me the story of the retarded girl who installed her air conditioner backwards then complained her room was too hot and humid. Then her air conditioner toppled out of her window down to the pavement (do I remember the story right?) and of course she blamed the OP.

  3. Sounds like a bad mix of differing expectations, poor communication, lack of compromise, etc.

    This whole situation could have been handled/diffused much better, but I guess the bigger question is, why would you even want to?

  4. @wolfdreams: "From her reaction, it sounds like OP didn't convey the part about it being a fire hydrant - she probably thought it was something else like a sprinkler system."

    She would've brought a bathing suit, and not been confused when he suggested she change.

    1. I think she probably intended to let him play in the sprinklers, while she just watched. The fact that she dressed up to impress suggests that her agenda was not to play in the water but rather the later portion of the evening.

      If she was indeed a germaphobe (as I suspect) then I don't think playing in the sprinklers would have had much appeal to her, but it would fall in the "tolerable" level of hygiene - in other words, she wouldn't object to having sex with somebody who had done it. However, the fact that it was hydrant water crossed the line, and at that point the OP made himself unsexable by insisting on doing it.

      Doreen didn't act like a control freak or break up with him over this - all she did was tell him that she would be cancelling the date that evening, which I think is a perfectly reasonable proposition. After all, she went to the effort of dressing nicely for him, and he reciprocated by doing what to her would be the equivalent of playing in feces.

    2. Wolfdreams: normally have your back, but this still sounds like a stretch.

      He asked her to bring a bathing suit and mentioned what he was doing. That is where she should have given an objection. Either way, even if she had the plan you say, she still would have known what he was talking about instead of calling him a liar and changing plans on him. And that is the thing, she called him a liar and changed plans on him. Can't overlook that. I think he had a right to do what was the equivalent of a compromise. (go quickly and then shower) because of that. Plus I will give him points for sticking up for himself.

    3. What you're saying makes logical sense, 5194 - but only if you assume that the OP is telling the truth and correctly remembering how things went down. I think often OPs severely slant stories in their favor (which is part of the reason I tend to bust on OPs) and I think in this case the OP is definitely misrepresenting himself. The reason why is because Doreen shows the signs of a severe germaphobe, and as such, it is highly unlikely that she would have forgotten the details of something that triggered the phobia - it would stick out like a neon sign in her memory. The OP, on the other hand, doesn't see anything wrong with playing in a hydrant, so it's the kind of detail he would easily forget since he doesn't consider it relevant. Make sense?

      That's why I think it's far more probable Doreen recollection was correct, and the reason she told him he was wrong is simply because he was wrong. Phobic people don't easily forget things related to their phobias - quite the opposite, in fact.

  5. I bet after initially agreeing to it, she discovered that she had a big zit on her ass or somewhere visible and had to act this way in order to get out of it.

  6. Pfffft, I'm too good to play in hydrants. Water towers all the way.


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