Planet of the Horses

Story Sent in by Howard:

Patricia had a humorous profile, so I wrote her and finally worked my way up to calling her. Her voice was strange: low and slow. It took her about thirty seconds to say a sentence that it would take you or I about ten seconds to say, and she enunciated everything. Still, she was very nice and I liked her, so I asked her out on a date.

Things went to crazytown in less than five minutes. When we first met, she shook my hand, which I thought was charming, and then she did a sort of twirl under my arm, as if we were dancing. Then, she said, "Oh my God, you're like the sun," then released my hand and started... jogging around me, in a circle.

"What are you doing?" I asked, expecting a punchline.

"Orrrrrbiiiiitinnnnng. Iiiii'mmmm aaaa pllllannnnnnnnet," she explained. Well, that made things clear.

As she trotted around me a few more times, she made a sound that was reminiscent of a horse whinny, then stepped away from me and said, "Iiii'mmmmm soooooorrrrrrry. Thisssssss wonnnnnn't worrrrrrrk ouuuuuuuut." She nodded, said, "Byeeeeee," and she walked away.

When I checked her profile the next day, searching for any sort of clues, her profile was still on the site, but all of her essays were deleted.


  1. Rebuttal post: "I met Howard on a dating website and the first thing I noticed was that he talked ridiculously quickly. Seriously, he was like Alvin and the Chipmunks!"

    "The second thing I noticed about him was the strange growths on the back of his head. They were so prominent that I walked around him just to see them clearly and make sure they weren't some sort of headgear, and when I realized they weren't I had to stifle a shriek."

    "The fact that he hadn't mentioned this in his profile was an utter dealbreaker, so I left on the spot. When I got back, I decided to change my profile immediately to avoid attracting this kind of weirdo in the future."

  2. Went to crazytown! I like that

  3. Sounds like you're a fatty.


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