James (in the) Woods

Story Sent in by James:

During my first online exchanges with Kim, she told me about the wooded area behind her house and her explorations thereof. She had never journeyed too far back there, and wondered openly at how far the forest extended. As we became better acquainted, I offered to explore it with her, and she said that she'd take me up on the offer.

When I arrived at her house, I noted that she was dressed in a nice black and gold dress. a strange choice for traipsing around in the woods.

She explained, "It's so hot out, it just keeps me cool."

I didn't argue, but I had a feeling that something wasn't quite right. She was dressed for an evening on the town, not a dusky forest adventure.

She led me into the woods, over bramble, root, and log. "There's a cave back here somewhere," I heard her mutter, then she said, "Or was it this way...?"

The sun was setting. She had a flashlight, but even so, I didn't want to be caught out there in the dark. I voiced that concern to her (we had also planned to eventually grab dinner) but she didn't seem overly concerned. I piped up about it more and more and Kim spoke less and less. She also zipped ahead of me, more and more often. Five steps, 10 steps, 15 steps ahead. I was able to catch up each time, but it seemed as though she was deliberately trying to lose me.

Finally, she stopped in her tracks and shone the light at a thick clump of maple trees. "What is it?" I asked her.

She said, "Look at—" and she switched the flashlight off and ran.

"Kim!" I shouted, "Kim!"

I ran after her, at least, in the direction it sounded like she went. I soon lost her, and so I walked in a straight line until I found a road, about 15 minutes later. I called her a few times but she didn't pick up.

Once I made it back to her house, I tried her once more. The house was dark and I was through with games, so I went straight home.

She called me the next morning in the middle of breakfast. She apologized and said that she had another date that same night and figured that I could make it out of the woods myself.

I called her insane, and she hung up on me.


  1. it sounds like one of those creepy brothers grim stories... the girl who lures men into the woods to... get lost?? so odd.

  2. I didn't see this ending coming... ouch! I can't believe she thought THIS would be the best way to handle being double-booked for a date.

  3. This could easily have gone much worse. People DIE out in the woods. You could have run into a tree branch while chasing her, broken your ankle, or any number of life-threatening scenarios. Even if you had simply gotten turned around and lost, it doesn't take very long for a person to become dehydrated when they're not carrying a water bottle.

    Dude, seriously, here's how to handle this. Buy a pound of live grasshoppers, put them in a sack of manure (leave the top untied), and shake well. Then break a window when nobody's home, and toss them in. The stains that she'll be cleaning up for the next few months should help emphasize what a shitty move that was.

    1. Where does one buy a big of grasshoppers? I know pet shops sell crickets for feeding to reptiles, but those are kinda small... you want something that can hold a lot of manure...

    2. Crickets will be fine: they can jump 20 or 30 times their own body length (ie, approximately 3 feet up in the air), ensuring that they will land hard enough to leave a stain at the end of their leap. As long as you shake them up inside the bag before throwing in through the window, it should still work perfectly.

    3. Have you ever done this to anyone?

    4. No, I've never needed to use it - I'm not a pushover, so people tend to treat me well. The principle is sound, though, and the friend who told me about this has almost certainly tried it, so I'm reasonably confident it will work.

    5. Wasn't there an episode of South Park where Cartman had a revenge business where people would hire him to spread shit all over the walls of someone's house who had pissed them off? And he had sample swatches so they could pick the color and consistency of the shit. Cartman used Mexicans to spread the shit; I suppose he hadn't considered the cost-savings of crickets and/or grass-hoppers.

    6. Also, on a purely comparative basis, it's much harder to find a cricket hidden under your couch or in your laundry.

  4. I don't understand what's so horrible about canceling the date with you before you showed up. Crazy beeoooch.


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