But Sanity Is Always Tasty

Story Sent in by Chris:

Samantha and I had a kind of good-natured tease-fest going on before meeting in person. Taking place online and over the phone, it went from G-rated to flirty to downright innuendo-packed in the days leading up to our date. I was pretty hot for her, to be frank.

Many of the jokes revolved around muffins. Yes, muffins. Specifically, things that could be done with them.

On the night of the date, we met at a train station that was an easy walk from a row of stores and restaurants. She had a box of muffins with her and gave them to me. I thanked her for them, and we had a good date. I brought the muffins home and, over the course of a week or so, ate them.

Over a month after we had started seeing each other, we were over at my place. All had been going well. We talked together on my couch, and she asked me if I still had the box of muffins from our first date.

I said, "I ate the muffins."

Wow. It was like I had slapped her. Her mouth dropped open and veins bulged... everywhere. "You... ate... the... muffins...?" she asked.

"Yes. We can go grab some if you want. They wouldn't have kept this long, anyway." There was a bakery an easy walk from my apartment.

Her face hardened even more. "You... ate... the... muffins...?"

I said, "They were delicious," hoping (but knowing otherwise) that it would help to diffuse things.

She let out a rueful laugh, looked around, and asked, "Did you at least keep the box?"


"Oh my God," she said, standing up, wobbling as if drunk, steadying herself, and making for the door.

I followed her. "Wait, wait, wait, Samantha. I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I didn't know that it would mean something to you if I kept it."

She whirled around and screamed, "How could you not know? Are you that stupid?"

I said the first thing that came into mind: "It was a box of muffins."

She gasped and said, "Goodbye forever," and slammed the door on her way out.

Muffins haven't tasted as great since then.


  1. Please elaborate, Chris. What can be done with muffins?

    1. For one, you could choose to either bluff or not bluff with your muffin, of course.

  2. I used to butter up my girlfriends muffin and Jam it!

  3. Whenever a girl brings me muffins I always keep one suspended in a lucite cube, just in case.

  4. Sounds like you only THOUGHT she was joking about the muffins, but she legit wanted them to be used in the sexual experiences she described, and so your eating them was kinda clueless. (I have no idea how muffins could be used in a sexual experience, for the record, but it takes all kinds.)

    The moral of the story is: When in doubt, always ask for clarification! When you ASSUME sometime, you mix out on strange fetishistic muffin-sex.

  5. @Wolfie: strange fetishistic STALE MOLDY muffin-sex.

  6. Sounds like she thought they should be preserved as a cherished keepsake, like flowers pressed in a book. OP, you should have pressed those muffins!

  7. You can press my muffins, uh, baby...


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