You Haven't Come a Long Way, Baby

Story Sent in by Patrice:

Terry and I met online, spoke for about two weeks, and then met in person. We were out to dinner when he asked me, "How many kids do you want?"

I said, "Probably one or two."

He stared. "Probably? It's the most important decision of your life, and you say 'probably'?"

I replied, "Well, then I guess I'm obviously not ready. I think I have to worry about other things, first."

He said, "But it's what you're working towards, isn't it? I mean, the sort of job you have now will have a direct effect on how many kids you end up having, from a financial perspective."

"I guess. I'm not worried about it."

He rolled his eyes and said, "Okay. After this, we're taking a detour somewhere. There's something I want you to see."


"I can't tell you."


"To a hospital nursery. I want to show you babies and demonstrate how much one can cost and how especially women have to be financially as well as emotionally ready for one or two or however many you have."

I laughed at him. "I don't think so. No hospital trips on a date, thank you."

He pulled out his phone and said, "Then I'll pull up some videos to show you exactly what you'll be dealing with."

I continued on with dinner as he waited about five minutes for a video to load over his phone. When it did, he shoved the footage in my face: newborn babies in a hospital nursery.

"Aww," I said, "They're so little!"

"So's your brain, if that's all you think about when you see them," he said, "A baby is a serious financial and emotional–"

"Can we get the check?"

"In a moment. I'm–"

"Now. Right now."

He stood up, walked away, and came back a few moments later. "I asked our waiter for the check. I suppose you expect me to pay for this."

"That would be nice, since you just insulted me, but I certainly don't expect it."

"Shows what you know. I'm paying for everything."

"Okay. Thanks."

When the check came, he slipped in a few bills that took care of dinner and then some. He then stood up, said, "Goodnight," and left me there.


  1. Having babies is far from the most important decision of your life.

    There's a small typo about halfway through
    "emotionally ready for one or to or however many you have." I assume it's supposed to be two.

  2. Fixed. Thanks, Ashley!

  3. Sounds like somebody had his biological clock ticking WAY too loud...

  4. Also, we all know that babies come expressly and only because you plan them and want them, and that's why there are no adoption agencies or fertility clinics anywhere. Right, Terry?

  5. "Shows what you know. I'm paying for everything."

    WTF? I can't even wrap my mind around that statement.

  6. I guess Terry would appreciate that I know for a fact I do not want children and am working toward that as a definite goal. Too bad he nevertheless made my ovaries shrivel up and retreat even further into my abdominal cavity in an unconscious attempt to avoid creating progeny with him.

  7. ^ WHAT?! You're a female dino? Leaping Lizards, I didn't know!

  8. I am indeed a lady dinosaur. Or as one person put it, a dame-osaur. (Male dinos are apparently dinosirs.)

  9. ^ I think I'm in 'lust' with you now!

    You have to pro-create, Rawr....or you might become (gulp) extinct one day!!

  10. ^ Um, if she's a triceratops, you may have some competition here Howie - everyone knows cynical horny dinos are a gift from geek heaven (which is overpopulated with pirates and ninjas, BTW).

  11. Pffft, I'm a Deinonychus. No room for "horny" jokes there. And you forgot zombies and Cthulhu in the whole geek heaven overpopulation thing.

    Besides Howie, I'm sure there's an army of rawr clones in some storage facility somewhere just waiting to be activated upon my death. NO FUCKING NECESSARY.

  12. ^ Just as long as you're not a T-rex. Everyone knows they're the "bleached blondes with fake tans" of the dinosaur world... the "Jersey Shore of the Cretaceous era" if you will.

  13. We Deinonychuses (Deinonychi?) are the cool kids who keep getting screwed out of the proper recognition for our awesomeness. Everybody raves about Velociraptors, but those fuckers were only the size of turkeys. Fuck Michael Crichton for confusing Deinonychus and Velociraptor in Jurassic Park. He ruined everything for everybody.


  14. Laying eggs seems like a much better alternative than our mammalian methods, but I still support your mission to never breed.

    I'm still holding out for the Vorkosigan series style uterine replicators myself. A girl can hope!

  15. That guy is nuts what the heck was he thinking pushing that topic on you on the first date, then almost demamded to take you to a hospital to see new borns lol nuts :(


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