"Please Have Long and Shapely Tusks"

Profile Sent in by Sylvester:

(Sylvester says: "I thought it was a coincidence that all three photos on her profile were of her in various walrus shirts and sweatshirts. Then I read…")

About me:

Walruses. Seriously. I did a report on them in high school (don't laugh: it was 21 pages long!) and ever since I have loved them. My spirit animal totem symbol emblem is a walrus and this also bleeds a bit into my religions beliefs. I want to let out my inner walrus. This is a personal motto and not meant as a joke.

Walruses are beautiful and are the only speices along with humans that have an innate appreciation for nature. Zoological studies have shown that walruses have a great outlook on life. I could go on for hours about it, and love talking about them, so write me if you want to know more. Serious inquiries only, please. I'm tired of getting walrus joke messages.


  1. "My spirit animal totem symbol emblem..."

    I've discovered why your report on walruses was 21 pages long.

    Or, to put it another way, I believe, think, ascertain, veritably compute, that the human known as myself has delved into a quest for answers and summoned, unearthed, very well shed considerable light – on specifically why, or to put a point on it, wherefore, your written treatise upon the animal "walrus" (genus: odobenus, species: rosmarus) happened to be a length not exceeding 22 pages and yet well over 20.

  2. I would have totally woo'd this girl with my karaoke rendition of I Am the Walrus. First date nookie!

  3. I think she sounds cool.

  4. Jared, please consider, think about, and entertain the idea and proposition that we, meaning the person who is you, your experiential self, soul spark, and existence, and the person who is I, this symbolic construction of identity that I encapsulate in the name Agnes, located in the physicality of this body, multicellular organism with the DNA that leads to this particular iteration of the arete of humanness, get married.

  5. Let out your inner walrus!

  6. ...Apparently, I take the ABCotD comment boards WAY more seriously than I thought, because I had this really long and involved dream about accidentally finding myself engaged to someone (not specifically you, Jared, but like an amalgamation of my roommates, in that dream way) I had no real desire to marry, and being surprised that he was taking it seriously and excited about it, and trying to figure out how to get out of it.

    Sorry for breaking your heart, Jared.

  7. You kidding? You've made my dreams come true, Agnes.

  8. I feel so warm and fuzzy! Thanks, Jared!

  9. At least you didn't dream of marrying a walrus


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