Into the Woods, Out of His Mind

Story Sent in by Clover:

Chris asked me out on a first date to a Red Lobster.  I drove there at dusk to wait for him, and wait I did, for about 20 minutes before I called him to ask if he was still going to show up.

He said, "I'm here already.  Where are you?"

I replied, "Right in front.  I went inside and looked all over for you."

"Oh.  I'm across the street."

I looked across the parking lot of the strip mall to see a line of trees.  "You're in the woods?" I asked him.

"Yep!" he said, "Come on over."

"Why don't you meet me here, like we had planned to?"

No response from him, and then the line went dead.  I tried him again, and he answered, "Hey, Clover.  What's up?"

"Are you coming over here?"

"Ah, no.  I'm across the street.  I can see you."

"Are you coming over here or not?"

A pause, then he said, "I'm in the woods.  Come over here."

"I'm going to go home unless you come over here and have dinner, okay?"

No response, and again, he hung up.  I had had enough, and I walked briskly to my car, with the intent of leaving.  After I entered it, I saw Chris emerging from the trees and running full speed for my car.  I kept the doors locked, but I didn't drive away, giving him one last chance to explain his strange behavior.

He knocked on my window and said, "Hey, it's me, Chris."  He panted and pointed behind his back, at the trees, "I was just in the woods.  I told you I was there."  I nodded, and he went on, "I told you to meet me there, and yet you're driving away.  I don't get it."

I replied, "I thought we were meeting at Red Lobster."

He said, "Let's walk through the woods."

"I'd rather have dinner."

He glanced back at the trees and said, "I made you dinner.  It's all in a pile, back in the woods.  If you'd just come with me–"

"Bye, Chris."  I drove off.

A minute later, a call arrived from him, and I picked up.  "Good plan," he said, "Drive closer to the woods.  I'll meet you there!"

I said, "I'm driving home," but he likely didn't hear it, as he disconnected right after he had spoken.

He called me repeatedly that night, and thenceforth I let it go to voicemail.  He talked about how he had returned to the woods, searched for me, walked around, searched for me some more, lay down for a while, searched a bit more, was lost, and then stumbled accidentally onto a nearby highway.  It sounded like he had a fine time, by himself.  He would sign off on his messages with, "See you soon!" or "I'll find you!"

I've since moved out of state, but without fail, at least once a year since then, he calls my phone and leaves a similar message.  And that was four years ago.


  1. Clover? He would have found you all over the woods!

  2. Clover? I hardly know her!

  3. A Bad Case of the Potential Skinning and Being Worn Around Town As A Hat.

  4. This is a clear example of what is wrong with my generation, even the serial killers are lazy & don't make any effort. Everyone is impatient & everything has to be done now. Whatever happened to the days when the victims didn't see it coming huh, or at least coming up with a plausible reason to enter the dark creepy woods with a stranger? Now it's just "Hey, come on over into the woods".. sigh, makes me so sad.

  5. I *love* to call up old dates and leave messages that make it sound like I'm still on date with them.

    "Barbara. That tilapia looks delicious! I wish I had ordered it instead of the hazelnut-encrusted salmon..."

    Not creepy at all!

  6. Mmmmm... Red Lobster...

  7. 5 years later: "Oh, my god, Clover, you're like, the best hide-and-seek player EVER. Really, you can come out now. I think some of the food might have spoiled, but I'm pretty sure some of it's still edible. Are you coming? Because I totally give. You win. Okay? I'm starting to get hungry..."

  8. I thought Red Lobster was for when you need to hire a guy to take out your competition in a big golf tournament; not actual dates

  9. Oh. Em. Eff. Gee. Sawyer's right: stalker/serial killers really aren't putting in any effort. I bet at this point, he just calls once a year just to fuck with her.

  10. @aaf1261e
    Red Lobster is for the post-sabotage celebration.

    Also, "I made you dinner. It's all in a pile."


  11. ^Boobie trap. She goes for the pile of food and falls into a deep pit. Commence "it puts the lotion in the basket..." jokes.


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