Mr. Wonderful's Little Secret

Story Submitted by Ginger:

When I first encountered Tom the accountant online, it was the message he wrote that drew my attention.  It was simple, polite, and just intriguing enough for me to want to write back.  His profile made him seem like an adventurous guy, but nothing stuck out like, "Whoa, I can't believe you did that."  After some talking, we decided to meet at a local bakery for a post-dinner date.

We met outside, and he said, "I brought a surprise for you."  He pulled out a folded brochure from his pocket and handed it to me.  It looked like the kind you'd find at the doctor's office, advertising prescription drugs, but with one major difference: it was a brochure about Tom.  It contained blurbs about him, how amazing he was, and his adventures, but it also had several photos of him, or rather his head, clearly superimposed onto the bodies of body-builders.

I thought that he was joking around.  Then, he said, "Those are all really me," he said, "And yes, everything in there is true.  I won a few – a couple – of body-building awards."

I pointed to one of the pictures and said, "The guy in this photo is over six feet.  You can't be over five-ten."

He said, "Trick of the camera.  I always look taller with my clothes off.  I'd be more than happy to show you."

"That's okay," I said, then read one of the blurbs.  It read, "Tom has visited most world capital cities and was received by five presidents."

"Oh yes, that," he said, "Mostly for body-building.  The others were for saving the lives of the presidents' sons or something."

I smiled and put the brochure down.  "Very funny joke.  A lot of effort went into it.  Clever."

He looked upset and lifted up his shirt to reveal a gut that may have once been an impressive six-pack.  He said, "I may have let myself go, but those are all true!"

I scanned the brochure again and read, "It says here you hold five degrees, including a doctorate.  What are you doing as an accountant?"

He said, "I like a more quiet life.  Nothing wrong with that, is there?"

I asked, "How did you have time and money to visit so many countries with all of your studies?"

He replied, "Scholarships and fellowships.  I've won them all."

"Well, I–"

"I've won them all!"

"Uh–"

"I won!  I won!"  He ripped the brochure away from me, tore it into little pieces, threw them on the ground, stamped on them, and then froze and snapped back into normal-person-mode.  He asked, "Ready for dinner, now?" and smiled.

I said, "I–uh–I left my oven on.  Excuse me," and hurried back to my car and drove off, leaving him there.  It might have been mean, but there was no way I was going to spend any more time than I had to with this megalomaniacal prick.