Come Back Again Sailor Man, Sailor Man

Story Submitted by Carrie:

Bill was always very formal in his correspondence to me, from his first online message onward. He referred to me as "Miss" until I told him that he could call me Carrie. After one message of using "Carrie," though, he slipped right back into "Miss."

He was, however, a Navy vet and very polite, and he didn't betray a hint of desperation, so when he finally "mustered up the courage to embark on his most courageous campaign" (his words) and ask me out to dinner, I accepted the offer.

He arrived in a full Naval uniform, unnecessarily taking some of my prior words ("I like guys in uniform") to heart. It was a nice touch, but I hadn't expected it. When we sat down, he took out a handkerchief and cleaned off his silverware, then offered to clean mine. I declined, and then he said, "Sit up straight, please. I want to look in your eyes."

I sat up straighter and I asked him, "How was your day?"

He said, "Miss, my day was hard, but my days in the Navy were harder."

"Tell me about them."

He explained that he was deployed in Indonesia, the Persian Gulf, and all over the states. In the middle of his tale, he said in a sharp tone, "Would you mind not fidgeting so much, Miss? Thank you."

I hadn't even realized that I had been fidgeting, and his tone wasn't necessary, so I spoke up. "I don't think I was fidgeting, Bill, and even if I was, that tone wasn't—"

"Captain," he said, "Captain Andrews. You may refer to me as Captain Andrews, Captain, or Sir."

"I'm a civilian. I'm not bound by rank in these circumstances."

He said, "Miss, you're out of line. Captain Andrews might have to discipline you."

I gave him a look that said, Just try it, asshole. He shifted in his seat and sat straighter. Then, he leaned in and said, "With a real spanking!"

After mentally digesting this remark, I took a guess and asked, "You're not really in the military, are you, Bill?"

He sat up straight again and said, "No, but I will be, and I will be captain."

I said, "Do you mind if we kind of end things early? I'm not sure if I'm really comfortable anymore."

He slouched for the first time, nodded slowly, gave me a salute, and downed his entire glass of water.

I said, "Okay," and excused myself from his presence, for good.


  1. Hmmm - sounds like OP was playing an (unwitting) supporting actress role in a scarily well developed fantasy :/

  2. Their bones stay crunchy even when soaked in blood!

    -Captain Crunch

  3. "I'm a civilian. I'm not bound by rank in these circumstances."

    Nice call on his bluff.

  4. It's a federal crime to falsely represent yourselve as either military or a veteran.

  5. finally, someone who leaves and doesn't sit through the rest of the god-awful date! i love these stories but cannot believe how many people suffer needlessly through these terrible situations. i salute you, OP!


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