Whatever Floats Your Oats

Story Submitted by Jack:

Nina called me shortly before our meeting time for our date. She said, "My throat feels kind of dry and scratchy. I ate a bunch of dry oatmeal without water or milk. It feels like I have oats stuck in my throat."

I said, "Have you tried drinking water to dislodge them?"

She replied, "Then they'd expand and choke me."

"No, they wouldn't."

She tried it and was fine. I asked her if she'd be joining me at dinner. She said, "I don't know. I just ate a bunch or oats. I'm kind of full, now."

I asked, "Is this your way of canceling the date?"

She cut me off. "No! No! I'll be there."

She showed up 20 minutes later, and after we were seated, she pulled out a freezer bag full of oats and offered me some. I declined, but she poured herself a handful and gobbled them up.

I asked, "We are doing dinner, right?"

She said, "Yeah! I may not order much, though."

She didn't order anything besides an egg roll, and she split it with me. She poured the rest of the oats into her mouth and seemed to have a tough time with them. She drank plenty of water, so we didn't have a repeat of the scratchy-throat incident.

During the meal, she never looked at me when speaking, and her constant eating of oats was distracting.

After dinner, she asked if we could stop at a grocery store to pick up more oatmeal. I asked her what her thing was with oatmeal, and she said that it was her favorite food. I couldn't argue with that, although she was like an alcoholic but with oatmeal. I can't think of a better way to explain it.

At the store, she popped open a can of oatmeal and downed some right there. She handed me the canister and said, "Go on. Dig in."

I handed it back to her and smiled. "No thanks. All yours."

She made a face, then hit the canister out of my hand, sending it up towards the ceiling. It smashed on the floor, spilling oats everywhere. She yelled, "Clean up in aisle three!" then threw a handful of oats into my face.

She waited there, expectantly. I excused myself to use the market's bathroom, but slipped out of the store, instead. You can be obsessed with oats all you want, but once they end up in my face, it's quittin' time.