1/21/2011

Wing It

Story Submitted by Sia:

I met Graham online and we kept each other's interest long enough to progress to a first date.  He offered to take me out for wings and a hockey game at the nearby college that we had both attended.

The wing place had all sorts of varieties of wings, including an "h-bomb" variety that was apparently the hottest they had on the menu.

Graham asked me if I wanted to split a basket of them with him.  I told him that they were probably too hot for me, and asked him if he'd ever tried them before.

"Nah, but I've tried the next hottest ones on the list, so I'm pretty sure I can take them," he said.

"No need to do it on my account," I said.

I ordered spicy teriyaki wings and he ordered the h-bombs.  He didn't so much say that they were hot as much as he sucked down an entire glass of water after every bite – and he had a basket of twelve.

"Are you okay?" I asked him as his face reddened and tears rolled down his cheeks.

He nodded and swigged down another glass of water, then took a big bite out of one of the wings.  He started breathing quickly through his mouth and poured himself more water.

I heard his stomach rumble from across the table.  He stood up and said, "Oh Jesus... I'll be right back," and ran for the bathroom... only it was in the other direction.  He turned around and bolted for it.

He was gone for about ten minutes when I knocked on the bathroom door.  "Are you okay?  Can I get you anything?"

"I'm fine, thanks," he said, "I'll be out in a sec."

I went back to the table and waited another ten minutes.  He came back, and I again asked him if he was okay.  He nodded and sucked down more water.

He stood up.  "Be right back," he said, and ran for the bathroom again.

The server came by, and I asked him to wrap up Graham's wings, as I had a feeling that he wouldn't be having any more.  If he did, we'd almost certainly be late to the game.

Graham returned and pointed to his boxed wings.  I explained that I wasn't sure if he was going to have more.

He opened the box and tore into another wing.  "Woomph, that's hot," he said, guzzling down another glass of water. 

I suggested, "Maybe you should stop."

"I'm hungry," he said.  I offered him one of mine, and he tried it.  He then went for one of his own wings again.

He stood up a third time.  "Be right back," he said, and went to the bathroom.

He came back, and I told him, "We should head out or we're going to be late."

He said, "We won't be late," and had another of his hot wings.

We missed almost the entire first half of the game, and Graham had to excuse himself half a dozen times while we were there.

He seemed nice, but also like a bit of an idiot, so we decided to stay friends.

11 comments:

  1. My hemorrhoids flared up just reading that story and I heard Johnny Cash singing "Burning ring of fire"

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  2. Just seeing your name is typically enough to make my hemorrhoids flare up, big guy.

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  3. ^...as long as nothing else flares up when seeing my name!

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  4. hockey is a game that has 3 periods, unless you came into the game during the middle of the 2nd period you didn't miss half the game....you missed a 1/3


    just sayen

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  5. Or they could have missed the first 40 minutes, smart guy.

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  6. Drinking water was a bad move; it actually makes it worse.

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  7. Should have ordered milk like a real man!

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  8. Was his name really Adam, and did he have a camera crew following him?

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  9. I dislike the idea of "staying friends." If someone is too stupid for me to date, you can bet that they're too stupid to be my friend.

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  10. Ha...yeah, what Peter said. Stupid people don't really make it past "friendly acquaintance" with me.

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