Not the Pearl Necklace I Had in Mind

Story Submitted by Lewis:

Back in college, I tried online dating because I wasn't too impressed with the women who were already around me, in my classes.  They were immature, self-centered, and nuts.

I had already asked two of them out, taken them both to dinner, taken them both on walks, hadn't tried anything with either, hadn't said anything (to my knowledge) remotely creepy, and they both said that I moved too fast for them.

Shirley appeared as a suggested match, and I read her profile.  Turns out that she also went to my college, but her profile essays made her appear a few clicks more mature than most, and so I wrote to her.

All of her profile pictures were photos of her sporting a pearl necklace, which I didn't even realize would become an important detail until later.

She wore the necklace on our date at a local restaurant, and I asked her about it.

She said, "I have it, guys want it, and they can't have it."

I thought she was kidding, but she didn't smile.  I asked her what she meant.

She said, "My virginal chains.  No man can lay claim to them.  I'm fresh and unspoiled."

She held the necklace tightly to her chest and looked at me as if I had dark designs on her virginal chains.  The only thing on which I had any kind of designs was dinner, and the ordering of it.

She kept a clenched hand on that necklace, I kid you not, for most of dinner.

I said, "I'm not going to take your necklace or virginity or whatever it is you have there."

"It's sacred to me," she said, "My mother was born a virgin and still is a virgin.  We don't know how I was born."

"Probably through sex."

She shook her head and fingered her pearls.  "My mother's never had sex.  She told me.  She's kept a virginal chain on all her life.  I will, too.  I have it, guys want it, and they can't have it."

"No thanks.  You can keep crazy all for yourself."

"I'm not crazy!  You want my virginal chains!  Try to take it.  I'd love to see you try.  I'll rip your eyes out.  I know how to do it!  I've done it before!"

I laughed and ate.  The next time the waitress came around, I asked for the check.  Shirley didn't offer to help, but I guess I wasn't really expecting her to.

After paying, I wished her a good night and I left.

The next time I saw her was the following semester, as she was walking through the quad, holding a guy's hand.  She was wearing two pearl necklaces.


  1. I honestly don't know what the symbolism behind the second pearl necklace could possibly be.

    She had a second hymen built in? I don't get it.

  2. ...No theMediator...the 2nd pearl necklace could be wiped away with a warm washcloth.

  3. So does that make her Jeebus incarnate?

  4. In the immortal words of Mr. Hankey, "You can suck a whole lot of dick and stil be a virgin . . .."

    Tell the Op I love that last line!

  5. I think either the OP was having us on, or the woman he took to dinner was having him on. Someone has a really bad ear for dialogue, IMO.

  6. Yeah, somebody is trolling somebody. How does someone who is fiercely virginal neglect to mention it even once on their dating profile?


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