Mother Nature Plays Dirty

Story Submitted by Maria:

Andrew wrote me over a dating website and he was a nice change of scene from the usual round of "what's your bra size," "do you do oral on a first date," and "marry me and make me a U.S. citizen, I live overseas."

He asked me out on one of the first really nice days of the year, and took me out to dinner at a nice, local restaurant.  I offered to split the check with him, but he insisted on paying for everything.  We had some wine, and generally, I'd say, we had a good time. 

We looked at the dessert list, but eventually decided against ordering anything extra.

Afterward, we went on a walk and strolled into a quiet suburban area when I turned to him and said, as a joke, "You wish we had split one of those desserts, don't you?"

He said, "Well, the place is known for their tiramisu."

I said, "Want to go back there and split one at the bar?  My treat."

He stopped walking, smiled, and said, "Sure."  I turned back towards the direction from which we came.

Then he did something that changed everything:

He turned and smashed right into a tree.

He cried out and held his head.  I asked him if he was okay.

"No!" he shouted, "What the fuck?"  He kicked the tree and pounded it with his fists.  "Who put this fucking tree here?"

I stepped back, suddenly freaked out by his behavior.

"Who put you here?" he yelled at the tree.

I said, "Probably the city?"

He pointed to the closest house, a brick one up a short yard.  "No, it's them.  The people whose house the tree is in front of.  They're responsible."

He strode up the yard and pounded on the door.  I stepped even further away, down the block, mortified.

He kept pounding on the door, and I heard an angry, older man's voice yell, "What the hell are you doing?"

Andrew said, "Your fucking tree hit me in the fucking head!  I want damages!"

The man said, "I'm calling the cops."

"I want damages!"

A door slammed.

I took off before Andrew could find me.  I couldn't believe what an idiot he was.  The whole time back home, I wondered if he'd text, call, or follow me.

He did none of those things, and I guess he got the hint that I never wanted to see him again after that stunt.


  1. Or perhaps the blow to the head caused some amnesia and he didn't even remember you?

  2. I'm waiting for his bad date story about how he bailed on some chick after pretending to hit a tree.

  3. OOOO...I was thinking the same thing. He was a "nice change," and it was a "really nice" day. And they had dinner at a "nice" restaurant. She should have made him say "tiramisu" three times...real fast...just to make sure that there was no damage to his head.

  4. This nut-job needs to be paired with the girl who hit herself in the head with the tea cup and then yelled at it and broke it.

  5. *jots note to self*
    dating rule number 873: do not blame inanimate objects during a date.
    Right got it.

  6. PK: I don't think he was trying to bail on the date. If he was, he probably wouldn't have risked assault charges by storming up to the door of the tree's "owner" and demanding damages. Hitting the tree and accusing it of purposely wounding him would have been enough.

    Some people are just this crazy.

  7. Sorry to generalize, but I have to assume this guy is American?

    I have honestly never heard a story about lawsuits that didn't have an American protagonist.


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