The Modesty of the Chicken

Story Submitted by Mattie:

Before we met, Paul identified himself as a vegetarian.  I am not a vegetarian, but I am sympathetic to their cause. 

At dinner (he took me to an American-style pub), he asked, "Which of their salads are you looking at?"

I said, "I'm actually looking at their chicken.  Will it be okay with you if I order it?"

He made a face and said, "Most chickens raised for food have eaten bits of feces with every meal of their lives.  Do you want that entering your system?"

I said, "The chicken has been cooked.  I think I'll be okay."

"Oh," he went on, "So as long as it's been cooked, you'll eat feces?  We didn't have to go out to a restaurant for you to do that.  We could have just found some bum, asked him for feces, went home, boiled it, and eaten it together, with relish."

I replied, "I think I'll be all right with the chicken."

He stared at me and said, "Having your nose broken and mouth ripped off would be unpleasant, wouldn't it?  It would sting a little, yeah?"

I nodded.

He said, "Chickens are kept, sometimes a dozen to a cage built for one.  They have their beaks broken off to prevent them from pecking each other.  Any chicken you order from here probably lived a life of constant pain and humiliation."



Those poor, embarrassed chickens!  All of this guilt made me hungry, mostly for chicken.  He ordered his salad, asked the waitress three times if there was any meat in it or if it ever came in contact with anything meaty, and I ordered my chicken.

After she left, he said, "Out of courtesy, I'll have dinner with you, but I don't think that I can have a romantic future with someone so heartless."

I said, "And I can't have a romantic future with someone who can't shut the fuck up about chickens."

He shut the fuck up after that, and my chicken tasted especially good.


  1. "And I can't have a romantic future with someone who can't shut the fuck up about chickens".. no comment, just wanted to quote the greatest line I've ever heard.

  2. Have to agree with Sawyer, actually spewed my coffee, perfect line OP.

  3. I agree with the above commenters!

  4. I so agree with the OP. Live and let live. I am a vegetarian myself (since 1988, although I do eat dairy foods and will use an egg in a mixed dish) and I prepare food that's beautiful and tasty and that even non-veg loved ones have dug into with gusto -- but I would prepare a meat, poultry or seafood dish for someone who did eat those things and if I was out with someone who ordered meat/poultry/seafood in a restaurant, I wouldn't make any remarks about it. This fellow was just out of line! (and disgusting to boot)

  5. I'd like to point out that there are many humanely raised chickens (and turkeys) out there. If you care about these things (and I do), just look and ask for them. The higher the demand for meat raised and killed in this fashion, the more it becomes the norm. I live in Hippyville and it's the norm for a lot of the restaurants and markets here.

    That said, this guy was rude and crude. Say your piece and shut the fuck up about it.

  6. Actually I think the OP was pretty stupid & should have checked his stance on other people eating meat before going out with him at all. I'm a complete carnivore and in the unlikely event that I agreed to go out with a vegetarian I would make sure this wasn't going to cause any chicken-related trauma.

    Also... he knows how salad vegetables are fertilised right? "Oh, we didn't have to come here for you to eat something that has been shit on and then washed! We could have just got a tomato, asked a hobo to shit on it, and then turned the hose on it."

  7. Oh come on Melissa, every other vegetarian or vegan that I know (except for one), is completely fine with everyone else and their life choices, there should be no reason to grill (pun intended) someone for information before going out.

    This guy was way over the top, out of line and in your face about trying to ruin your appetite. A slow clap for the OP for standing up to his shit.

  8. Princessclaire, I'm a vegger and I've gone on dining dates with guys who have ordered meat/poultry/seafood based meals and I never said "boo." My dates enjoyed their dishes and I enjoyed my dish -- and the company of a charming gentleman. It's not my place to criticize my date's food preferences. I think it's Paul who was the d0uche, not the OP

  9. @princessclaire1

    You can be sympathetic to their cause without being a vegetarian. Why should she have to sacrifice her meal because of his life choices? Should she become a vegetarian just to satisfy the guy in order to pursue a relationship with him?

  10. Nothing gets the commenters on this site going like a good vegetarian v. carnivore/omnivore battle. Remember when that guy poured his hamburger juice on the OP's salad? I think it went up to 80 comments or something.

  11. well, animals eat each other anyway, my cat just ate half a chicken today


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