A Man's Word Is His Bond

E-mail Submitted by (and written by) Daniel:

(Daniel says: "One night a few years ago, I got carried away writing to a woman on a dating site.  Her profile mentioned interests in photojournalism and travel.  She stated she was "leather and lace" and was attracted to risk takers.  She confessed to having always wanted to be a Bond Girl.  I wrote her the e-mail below.  Understandably, she never wrote back.  Her profile disappeared a month later.  Since then, I've stuck with somewhat more conventional introductory emails.")


Subject: How about "Lacie Tanner"?

Hi, BondGrl85,

You're leather and lace?  I'll make the assumption you'd be on Bond's side and suggest Lacie Tanner.

You could be an American photojournalist documenting life in the Himalayas.  While taking pictures of how US actions in Afghanistan affect the Afghan-Chinese border, you stumble across a Chinese mining operation sending uranium through Afghanistan to Iran.

Captured to be held as bait, you are brought to Dubai, where all the banking for the uranium operation takes place.

While investigating the bankers, Bond finds you tied up in the upper floor of a two floor suite at the top of Burj Al Arab.  The heat is on, and Bond runs to the balcony and sheds a light jacket to reveal a parachute.  He beckons you urgently to come with him.

But you know from observing while captive that a laptop with crucial information is on the floor below.  You run downstairs.  Bond shouts he can't wait long.  Shooters keep him pinned on the balcony.

Downstairs, you find the laptop and a gun.  You shoot out the window glass, grab the laptop, and stick your head through the open window to see Bond hanging off the rail outside the balcony.  There are footsteps and shouts on the stairs behind you.  A quick mutual nod of the head to Bond, and you take a few steps back. 

He lets go.  You jump out, and he grabs you with both arms as he's falling past.  The laptop is pinned between you as the two of you tumble past the facade of the world's tallest hotel, and you pull the chute with your free hand...

However, if you're against Bond, you could be Lacie Whippet, former CIA turned covert ops consultant for hire.  Bond is leaked a fake story that an American photojournalist was captured as he escaped.  You are tied up in Burj Al Arab as a ruse.  Bond finds you, and stunts ensue as before.  However, the laptop is actually an empty shell holding a gun with which you intend to get the drop on Bond after you land.

Bond notices through the empty PCMCIA slots on the edge of the case that the laptop is a fake.  He says, "It was a pleasant fling, darling, but I don't think it will last through the fall," and then lets you go...

You smash on top of an Alan Jackson/Shania Twain "Peace Ambassadors" tour bus.



  1. I'm not surprised she didn't write back, nonetheless that was an entertaining story and you have a good mind for writing.

  2. Yeah there's no way I'm going to read this entire email, maybe she never wrote back because she's still reading it.

  3. I thought it was an awesome email! Surprised she didn't respond.

  4. That has to be my friend Dan. I think that's an original and non-creepy approach, but she probably just didn't get it.

  5. She probably just didn't like the fact that you killed her. I wouldn't answered that mail though.

  6. This was fucking brilliant! I'd like to see what Daniel comes up with for a date night on this theme. Get him in a nice suit and play spies. Purrrr...

  7. Daniel, that was brilliant, the pun at the end was particularly inventive. She was mad not to reply to this...

  8. This is what I get for commenting when I'm half awake... I meant to say I would've answered that mail.

  9. Wha! This is awesome! Her loss completely, sir.

  10. Daniel, I've always wanted to be a Bond Girl, too. I like travel and rivers, but am more "zippers and organic cotton." I also prefer hang gliding to parachutes.

    Okay ... go!


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