Extra, Extra, Read All About It

Submitted by Walter:

Rachel's profile really surprised me and stood out from the crowd, so I wrote her a message.  She wrote back, sounding very grateful for the message, and asked me all about myself.

As for her, her pictures showed her with long, brown hair and a body that could crack a priest's celibacy (no, I don't mean that she had the body of a choir boy).  She was one of those, "she seems great... why is she single?" types, so I was a little cautious.

On our first date, we went out for dinner and then to a bar.  In person, she was a little chubbier than she had appeared in her photos, and her long hair was cut short and hot pink.

Neither of these really mattered, although it would have helped me to recognize her, at first.

A little while after we made it to the bar, her phone rang.  She excused herself to answer it.

When she returned, she said, "I forgot that I have to help my father with something.  Do you think we can head over to my parents' house real quick?"

Surely unusual, but no big deal.  We had driven separately, so I followed her to her folks' home.  It was a longer distance than she had originally let on, and at this point, I felt it prudent to end the date.  No hard feelings, and I'd be up for another one.

We parked beside a driveway in a wooded area, and she jogged over to my car.  She asked, "Would you mind waiting out here?  I shouldn't be too long."

I asked, "Why don't we call it a night?"

"I'll be just a sec.  Wait here," she said, already turning back to her car.  She drove it up the driveway and out of sight.

I waited about fifteen minutes before texting her, "I'm going to go.  Let's meet again sometime."

No reply.  I drove away.

I had made it to bed when her phone call came.  "Where are you?"

I said, "Home."  This was a little over an hour after she had left me beside the driveway. 

"Well, my dad needs help moving newspapers."

I wasn't sure how to respond, so I asked, "Is he black and white and read all over?"

"Can you help?"

"I'm at home.  In bed."

She snapped, "I heard you.  My father's old.  I wouldn't be asking if it there was any other way, but I just know he's going to throw his back out and hurt himself."


"You want my father to die?  I said I needed your help."

I really wanted to be done with the conversation, so I said, "Tell your father not to move papers on his own after 10pm.  What do you want me to say?"

"Fuck you," she said, and hung up.

At 3am, I received a voicemail from her.  "My father's exhausted.  Thanks a lot, asshole."

At 5am, another voicemail:  "Asshole."


  1. Another drama-laden, annoyingly nagging bullet dodged!

  2. Why do so many people write "She seemed so great...why was he/she single?"

    As if to indicate somebody is single, so there 'must' be something wrong with that person. Some people ENJOY being single and just dating. You're single too bud. What's wrong with you!? I felt that way when I was dating online. Sure, there are a lot of weird nutjob people out there...and i met my fair share. But if I"m normal...there has to be normal women out there too.

    Another way to look at it is: No matter how hot he/she is, there is an ex out there happy to be rid of that asshole/bitch.

  3. Being single and just dating has the implication that a girl likes to have stuff bought for her (making her a slut if she puts out and a tease if she doesn't).

    As a side note, priests are pedophiles

  4. "a body that could crack a priest's celibacy (no, I don't mean that she had the body of a choir boy)" Best line in the whole story. Sorry to disagree with you, Baku, but the sad fact is that a surprising number of priests (mostly Catholic) are being outed as child molesters. Sad fact.

    I also love Howie's final comment.

  5. I think the OP dodged the proverbial bullet. This may sound mean, but my take is, this Rachel person was a healthy adult and she could have taken a break from tinting her hair pink and eating snacks to help her father. I think it was kind of nervy for her to ask someone who was nothing to her but an ACQUAINTANCE -- not her partner -- to get mixed up in her family responsibilities. At this point, it was about socializing and she had no right to put this guy she just met to work or even have him accompany her on her family errands like he was her fiance or something.

  6. Really, nothing is safe, not only in this forum, but in the world at large. You have to know your audience when you use inappropriate humor. There are Holocaust jokes, dead baby jokes, Michael Jackson jokes, and 9/11 jokes. But you wouldn't make those jokes in front of Jews, people who have lost a child, right after Michael died, or around 9/11 survivors/victims' families.

    I'm sorry if you were offended, Thomas, but the fact is that this site is full of depraved individuals escaping their days by reading about other people's mishaps and miseries. Was Walter's aside a cheap shot? Of course. But we have seriously (and completely not seriously) discussed child abuse on this forum and even have several regular readers who have been abused as children. You can either choose to start the serious conversation and hope that others will follow suit, or you can go the route that you have taken and call someone an asshole and make yourself sound like an overly sensitive person. Or, third option: say nothing and write it off as a bunch of anonymous douches making crude jokes.

  7. ^ Nicely put...especially the anonymous douches comment!

  8. I have to wonder how many newspapers the father had that it took more than 3 hours to move them. And why was he moving them, what's wrong with where the papers were to begin with? Weird...

  9. ^^I was wondering if the daughter was trying to prevent her dad from being evicted for health and fire code violations? I watch a lot of "Hoarders: Buried Alive" because it motivates me to clean my apartment (not that I'm dirty or a hoarder in the least but still...nothing makes you want to wash dishes and fold your clothes like a marathon of people who keep rotten pumpkins from two years ago on their floor (an actual episode)).

  10. Hear,hear Nikki! I thought the same thing. I've been a pack rat all my life and watching that show fully motivates me to take regular loads to Thrift Town and just generally pick up my shit more. I finally hired someone to do the heavy cleaning (and my dishes, and my laundry, and sweeping and vacuuming. Sigh.), but I'm 100% better about putting things where they belong after seeing Matt pull the like, 20th cat carcass out of someone's hoard on that show.

  11. The woman with all the cats and birds was TERRIFYING. Holy shit. And there was an episode of Bones where they had to investigate a hoarder whose apartment floor gave way and his decomposing carcass fell out. It had been there for weeks, but everyone thought the smell was a side effect of his compulsion. Of course **spoiler alert** his former lover/coworker hit him over the head with a fan because he wouldn't stop being crazy.

    But yes. Hoarders = bad.


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