Breaking News: Fountain of Youth* Discovered

Submitted by Darren:

Michelle was an old high school friend who I hadn't spoken to in over ten years.  She called me out of the blue (I had no idea how she even found my number) to catch up.  She had been married, divorced, and had no children.  She was working as a part-time tutor and part-time administrative assistant at a nearby college.

At the end of our first conversation, which was a long one, she asked if I wanted to meet up.

I was up for it, but it seemed a bit unexpected.  I asked her why she had decided to call me, of all people.  She explained that since being married, she had lost touch with a lot of friends and wanted to reconnect.

I met up with her at a local bar/restaurant.  She looked far better than the yearbook picture I had used to jog my memory about her. 

We talked for a while about the past ten years, what we had both been up to, and so on.  Most of what I said was based on my various jobs, and her end of the talk was about her marriage, her former husband, etc.

As mentioned, she was pretty cute, and I thought it would be a nice thing to say if I told her so.  So I did.

"Thanks," she replied, "That's the one good thing about my ex."

"What's that?" I asked her.

She smiled and looked away.  "You're going to think it's stupid."

She looked great when she smiled.  I asked, "What is it?  Come on.  We're old friends."

She laughed, looked around, leaned in, and whispered, "His semen."

Not at all what I had expected.  Stupid?  Maybe not.  Weird?  Definitely.

I asked her to elaborate.  She said, "It's going to sound strange, but something in his semen, I'm sure of it, kept me looking good.  I've tried it with other guys since, and I've aged dramatically since the divorce."

I asked her, "You don't think it could've been something else?  I don't think that semen's a beauty aid."

She said, "I know it sounds crazy, but my ex and I hooked up a month ago, and I saw a difference again immediately afterward.  It's probably not his semen per se, but something in his diet.  I have no idea.  All I know is that it works."

I asked her, "So what now?  You going to date around while still visiting your ex once a month for your beauty regimen?"

She laughed.  "It's not for the sex with him, believe me.  He was never all that great.  It's just about his semen."

I was sure to keep her at arm's length after that meeting.  I just couldn't really see myself dating someone who had such an unusual... er... ritual.


  1. First, it was bathing in blood, now it's semen. People are strange . . .

  2. I'm surprised the guy had expectations from an old friend catch up meeting "I just couldn't really see myself dating someone who had such an unusual... er... ritual" guy has an ego.

  3. Ashley...Can I call you Ash?

    Listen Ash, if you're the kind of girl who like facials from her ex, so be it. But I'm afraid the dating pool for people like that is very shallow. I'd advise you not to dive in.

  4. ^^ . . . Because every man should be happy to date a woman who frequently rubs another guy's jizz on her face, for that is the norm.

  5. Hollywood starlets could save a LOT of money on skin peels, Botox, colonics, and rejuvenating beauty products if they used Michelle's regimen. Honestly, she and her ex could make a LOT of money.

  6. Semen is my primary export, A-Plus quality...

    Although for best results rectal dosing is recommended, no more than 4 times a day. Cleanup may be required after every dose.

  7. Isn't there some moisturizers out there that have some animals jizz in it that costs $1000 an ounce I could have sworn I heard about it somewhere and celebrities just love it. Michelle and her ex could be making money hand over fist (pun intended) if they could bottle up his semen.

    Okay I have to add one more thing and these are the times I wish we were still anonymous but what the hell... is this why my stomach is so soft? HMMMM????

  8. Well, semen is the secret of my baby soft hands.

    Not sure if it's just my semen, but I don't want to find out.

  9. Semen is pretty effective if you only want to look 5 years younger. I keep my hey-we-need-to-card-you-for-that-Ms. good looks with daily smoothies of fetal seal cubs.

  10. It may have some science to it afterall...


  11. Anonymous, the last line of that article is brilliant.

    I asked Scientist Boyfriend last night if he'd help me see if this theory worked out, until he pointed out that I have a terrible fear of getting sperm in my eyes and having the sperm try to impregnate them. (They're made of the same viscous material as ova, apparently.) I'll have to continue researching this important theory.


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